The Last sunset

Releasing herself from the arms of Morpheus she woke up at the sound of alarm coming from her cell phone. Half thankful for being alive, she goes to the living room to open the capiz window overlooking the street below, the wind brushed into his face the sun warmed her body like an embrace the morning was perfect then she suddenly broke down into tears.  The emotions were still strong like a perfume that never leaves her skin, it would stink for a while but she couldn’t do anything, she hated herself for being so stupid when it comes to the four letter word. A poignant masochist she was, for even though remembering him slowly killed her she still plunged into the sentiment to the times when she felt secure yet blinded by her longing to have someone.

She could never put into words the happiness she felt when she met him, it was love at first sight. After years of isolating herself from the world she knew, she took the risk thinking it was all worth it, that he wouldn’t dare break her heart. She did everything she could to make it work, had him meet her family and friends, even blurted out her true feelings way too early believing that all these things would make him stay. But then like any other fake love story he grew cold and the next she knew he was back with his past lover without saying a word to her.

While she bathes herself of vivid memories they had together her crying continued and at that moment she wished it was all just a nightmare and soon she would wake up. As she went on with the day she managed to torture herself by connecting everything to him, helpless she let the agony remain till she became numb and once more her tum-tum was hard as stone. Before the day ended, she went to a place where she had a perfect view of the dusk a high place where she could see everything below, there she had her resolve not to make the same mistake again and not let another squire tell her the same lies that made her world crumble down.

The TRUTH hurts. a lot.

When you start to trust again, you realize that you’ve been so damned  not to trust for a very long time. But when that trust gets broken and you learn the truth it hurts and you remember the reason why you’ve been keeping that trust within yourself, why you keep yourself from loving someone too much. I used to say truth sets everything right,  honestly I barely tell a lie when it only concerns me, because I believe that that’s where evil starts to creep your soul and eat you up. Now I learn that along with that comes the pain of knowing that someone you love so much has taken advantage of that trust and kept you a fool longer than you imagined. What’s worst is that the truth didn’t come from the horse’s mouth but from his friend. I’m confused, am I not good enough for him or for anyone I love? Now I’m doubting that my friends are telling me the truth, because they always say that the person I would love is gonna be lucky to have me. no one appreciates the small stuff I do for them, why do I have to feel this pain? Is this a curse that I have to handle? that no one would take me seriously because I’m such a crybaby and emo girl with a lot of stuff going on her mind.  The pain I feel is too much to be described, no words can say how much pain, anger, sadness and mistrust I feel right now. Truth is always good but one has to be prepared for the agony it brings for with it comes the reality that you’re not good enough.

before the year ends (bago matapos ang taon)

bago matapos ang taon nais ko lang gumawa ng isang blog. bow.

Marami akong naiisp isulat nitong taon pero dahil ang dami at hindi sila organisado hindi ko masimulan ang lahat, isa pa wala akong oras para magisip kung pano ko aayusin ang pagiisip ko. masyadong komplekado. kung mapapansin MO (mambabasa) ang ilan sa mga salita na naririto ay wala sa diksyunaryo dahil sa ngayon ayoko munang sumunod sa batayan kung ano ba talaga ang isang maganda at maayos na sulatin ( sa tingin ko kahit kelan naman ay hindi ko nasunod yun) dahil sa ngayon ay gusto ko lang sumulat (hindi yung literal).

LECTURE NG BUHAY.

marami akong natutunaw ngayong taon na ito ngunit ilan lamang sa mga ito ang ilalagay ko sa huling blog entry ko sa taong 2008. aaminin kong naging sobrang tamad akong tao nitong 2008, tila wala akong makitang dahilan para gumawa pa ng mga bagay na lagpas sa aking kakayahan. alam kong tama ang daan na tinatahak ko peron hindi ko alam kung nararapat ba ako dito. sa kasalukuyan ay 3 semestre na lamang at tapos na ako ng kolehiyo sa isang kursong hindi ko malaman kung bakit ko pinasukan pero natutunan kong mahalin matapos ang  taon na pagaaral nito. nasa isang unibersidad na ni sa panaginip ko wala sa ga plano ko nung nasa highschool pa lang ako, unang una ayoko tlaga dito pero kinalaunan sinunod ko din ang payo sa akin ng mahal kong kapatid sa kanyang retreat letter para sakin na “kahit ano pang unibersidad ang pinasukan mo, gusto mo man o hindi, dapat matutuna mo itong mahalin. isa pang aral HUWAG KANG TAMAD! wala pang taong naging maunlad dahil naging tamad sila, wala pang taong nabiyayayaan ng lib-libong pera para lang gawin ang gawain ng mga ANIMALs (pigs). isa pang natutunan ko ay hindi ka dapat nagtitiwala kagad sa mga taong nakikilala mo dapat usisain mo silang mabuti katulad ng pagpili n damit, kelangan bagay sayo at hindi ka magsasawang suotin dahil pag nangyari yun itatambak mo lang sila sa kabinet mo mawawalan sila ng silbi, yun ang dapat iwasang mangyari. sa pagibig… next topic na tayo. game sa magulo sweet nakakakilig at nakakabaliw na pagibig hindi ko pa alam ang kasagutan sa mga katanungan ko, dahil tila subalit mahirap nang malaman kung ano ba talaga ang totoo at hindi. sabi ng lola ko nung isang araw na nagpunta kami sa bataan at inusisa ang lovelife ko, malalaman ko daw na totoong pagibig na yun pag isang araw gumising ka at iba na ang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya kasunod nun ang mahabang lovestory nila ng lolo ko na hindi naman nakakasawang pakinggan sa kadahilanang hindi ko alam.  sa pagkakaibigan, sa tingin ko walang kaso kung palagi kayong magkasama dat kung palagi kayong magkatext, ang mahalaga nanjana ang isa’t isa sa oras ng pangangailangan. meron kasi akong mga naging kaibigan (at sana kaibigan ko parin sila hanggang ngayon) na hindi ko namand palaging kinakausap pero pag kelangan ko ng malalabasan ng lahat ng sh*t sa buhay one text away lang. meron namang dati ay pinagpipilitang magkaibigan kami tapos nung inamin ko na FINALLY na magkaibigan kami, tsaka naman ako iniwan dahil sa isang mali kong nagawa. (alam ko rin naman na mai ang nagawa ko, pero kung buhay at kalayaan ang nakataya, ipagkakait mo ba ito?, hindi ako nagpakabayani, nagpakatao pede pa). meron din akong naging kaibigan na lumalim ang aming samahan nang nagkolehiyo na kami, kumpara nung hayskul na hindi masyadong nagpapansinan.  anywho.  anyhow. carabao. bow.

taposs na! yes! finally! ang last entry ko sa blog ng 2008. nilagay ko lamang kung anong laman ng utak ngayong nasa peak hour ang utak ko at sale ang mga idea.  sanay dumating ang panahon na babalikan ko ang entry na toh at matatawa sa ka-emohan ko.

kitkat faylona 2008 now signing off…

(arti)

Permanent Inhabitant of the Long Lost World

after months of not being able to touch the keyboard and type nonsense stuff alas! I’m back… but only until christmas vacation lasts. I have gone through 2 months of hardship,  4-5 hours of sleep every night, 1 hour of meal and the rest was intended for reading the thickest book I have ever read in my entire life! I remember when I was in high school I bare scan my books, except for noli and el filibusterismo which we were required to read in advance so that we won’t stand the whole class. But though it was tiring, hell it was all worth it! being able  answer the questions your professors throw at you and passing those long quizzes was more rewarding than I ever thought. I  forgot how it felt like to be praised for doing something great or something not expected of me. I was too busy mocking those people who didn’t play the game right, too busy acting like an immature child, but in the end I was the one who gained nothing. I still have 3 more months to fill and prove myself to my family and my superiors. I now belong to a block where people greet a happy good morning even if they’re too busy reviewing for the quiz. People who make me feel secure and make me laugh even after receiving a bad comment from a terror professor.

The Lights in  REMEDIOS

One night as I was passing by the street of Remedios in Malate, I saw people hanging Christmas decorations as the cool night breeze brushed in my face. I realized that it was again the event children have been waiting for…  the BIRTH of the SON. 19 years of living on earth was like an eternity not everyone would want, but no one would dare leave. In my small steps but rather fast paced walk I pretend that I’m cold as ice and hard as stone,  I dare go back to the time I was soft a pillow and sweet as the candy canes given to small children then just when I have reached the front of the house I tell myself how much I regret feeling that way, blaming myself for being so weak and vulnerable to emotions that make people alike… they all love. I will never commit the same mistake twice, not in this lifetime not until I have found the reason for the pain I felt before and not until I find a rational reason.

kasalukuyan kong binabasa ngayon ang Witch of Portobello na sinulat ni Paulo Coelho. napanalunan ko ito sa aming christmas party.

Protected: Who is the Culprit.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

(E)e(R)ie feeling

alas! our third weeek of duty just ended, 3 minor cases, (1from QI and 2 from GABMMC) 22 more cases to go! AJA!

This week we were assigned to the ER (emergency room) but since PGMA proclaimed monday a holiday, we only had 4 days of s duty 2 days in the Medical Center Parañaque (a private hosital located in sucat Parañaque) and 2 in Gat. Andres Bonifacio Memorial Medical Center (situated in Tondo Manila). The first two days was ok though we didn’t do much, the usual get V/S, HGT, monitor patient and the like. I was actually kinda dissappointed not being able to do stuff that I saw from ER series. Two days after, me and my groupmates were assigned to GAT. Earlier that week, our friends told us about the difference of the ER in both hospitals, saying that the public hospital offered more action than the private one. True enough when we went there at 2 pm in the afternoon, I was surprised to see people gathered in the ER varying from the old to the young, from emergent to fast-paced patients. It was there that I experienced doing things that I haven’t done before, assisting in suturing a lacerated wound, taking vital signs of patients that almost crossed the line, giving a skin test to a 3year old child, removing an IV insertion from a  baby and seeing people coming from different places but with only one aim, to be healed or if not relieved from pain. I saw the difference between the two setting, how people are managed and how dissimilar they treat complaints. Before I took up this path I used to think that blood oozing out from someone’s wound would freak me out and eventually put off my consciousness, but when time came, I felt nothing, not a single sensation of vomiting. Its kinda weird though, if my mom was there, she would have passed out at the sight of a single drop of blood ( good thing I didn’t get that part of her genes).

At the end of 4 days I said to myself I feel much more fulfilled in the public hospital, having the opportunity to help all those people just by getting their vital signs, testing medicines to see if they have an allergy, admitting them in the ER and adding another less-pain-day to their life.  I saw how doctors would take care of patients even if they haven’t eaten lunch and even if they feel exhausted. How nurses in the ER can still smile at each other and joke at times when humor can be the only way to release themselves from too much stress. I see how much lucky I am to be able to see things around me, how I blessed I am to be in this position in life and how grateful I should be that I have never experienced being hospitalized.

Life, is like an ER. Sometimes it only takes a 5 minute sponge bath to lower a fever, sometimes you have to take medicines and at times, when fever cannot be controlled a person would expeirence greater complicatiions and if not given the right solution, that may actually cost his life. A simple fever gone worst. A simple problem not given an appropriate action would cause a great effect/damage to ones life.  My analogy isn’t “that” exact but if your smart you’ll get what I mean. I still have 1 month before the 1st semester of 3rd year ends and I am finally getting the answers that I seek to find reason behind every move, every breat, every step of this profession I chose to take and endure, even if it means straining and stressing the last single neuron in my brain.

face to face with Reality

Earlier this day I had my first hospital duty in an old building in Quezon city. An eye opening experience actually, that life is short.

>  3 in the morning I woke up and realized I was an hour early for my duty to wake up for my duty, due to my excitement maybe. At 4 I packed my things, at

> 5:30 I was running to get a jeepney ride at leon guinto street.

>5:45 I was walking along Adamson walk way, 1 minute later I was catching my breath inside the SV building.

>We left school at exactly 6am and we arrived there even before the out patient department was open to the public, the unit we were assigned to. Our clinical instructor toured us in the place before work starts, I was almost an abandoned place, the 2nd floor was like a mere building with nothing in it, its a shame that a big and nice place like that would only go into waste because the government does not have enough funds.

>The real “thing” started by 8:30 in the morning, we assisted the nurse in taking vital signs (the never ending BP, PR,RR and temp) before te patients go to the doctor and tell their reasons why they visited that day.

>at around 11:30 we had our early lunch break and rest (we were allowed to take a nap and roam the place).

>By 1:00pm we went down to the place and resumed our 3 hours left of duty.

While waiting for the OPD to resume their services, we stayed inside the ER and I noticed that the patient who was brought there earlier has stopped breathing, or so I thought. So I asked one of my group mates to look at the man since I have a bad sight, she said “humihinga pa” so I said ok, but still felt a little concerned. After 15 minutes our C.I checked on the man only to find out he has left the world. His heart officially stopped at 1:25pm. With no one beside him and only a bag full of his things,a red cap and a pair of slippers the thin man silently died, without any sign of agony or pain, only a face of grief left. We rendered our last care to the man, at first I was actually scared to touch him but then all the fear faded and was replaced with sympathy. At the end of his life, I did what I could to give him dignity.

Alam kong huli na pero, kahit sa huling saglit ng buhay niya, alam kong may nagawa ako para sa kanya, sana naramdaman niyang importante siya kahit huli na ang lahat.

Maigsi ang buhay, ngayong taon Ilang beses nang gustong iparating sakin yan ng realidad, masakit pag may mga taong nawala, lalo na kung naging parte sila ng buhay mo. Pero sa pagkawala nila, nakikita ng isang tao kung gaano siya kaswerte at kahit papano humihinga parin siya, binibigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon para makasama ang ibang tao sa paligid niya. Sana hindi na kelangan pang may lumisan para malaman ng tao kung gaano kasayang mabuhay para walang nasasayang na sandali.

This is just a taste of what my life would be years from now, and If someone asks if I still want to pursue this profession, the answer would be no other than an undoubtful YES.

Reality check: 7:42pm kelangan ko pang maglaba ng uniform para may masuot ako sa wednesday.

5pm society of the veranda

Another once in a lifetime thing is happening on friday and things get a little slow for us nursing students, which is good since we’ve been working like robots with no proper sleeping habits like 2-3 hours of sleep is already rejuvinating.

I’ve been under this organization at school since the 2nd semester of 2nd year when I unintentionally took the exam to get in, next thing I know I was being interviewed by my superiors and after that we were taken to baguio for a journalism conference. It was fun being with the people in that group, the bonding, A LOT of singing and a little dancing, pop-up debates (usually initiated by bryan), philosophical thinking on how cruel at the same time happy life is and everyday conrversations that became an almost everyday routine.

The small talks is starting to be like heroine, you can’t get enough of it, like something in you tells you to have more everyday (haven’t taken them but that’s how they descrivbe the drug). Its good to have some people to converse with about everything under the sun; love, studies, morality, gender inequality, and other stuff that gets the nerves working like hell. You have to state your opinion every now and then, laugh when someone cracks a joke or even get sad when reality bites. Earlier today, we were dismissed ahead of time and I was really relieved to go home with the sun still up. But as I was trying to leave the building I saw my batch mates and they told me we still have singing lessons for the ceremony on Friday. Dismayed, I went back to the office in the intention of leaving my things so I can attend the practice, but like magnet I was pulled on staying in the office and chat with my friends till the practice is over (I couldn’t sneak out because I’m afraid to get caught not attending).

I saw dom eating kerrimo ( 2 in 1 snack composed of softdrinks and bite size goodies) thrilled to see that the store where he bought the stuff re-opened, I had them accompany me in buying it. On our way to the cafeteria the repartee started and as usual, I was on the mood to fight the three of them back. dom, noli jerome and me (the only girl) went to buy our merienda. While waiting for our orders to be served we talked about how one of them has a “greener” mind than the other, how dom always laughs when someone in the office talks about something he thinks has another meaning. Weird but its one of our typical topics. When we got our food, we went back and walked the easier path going back to the fourth floor where the office resides. Jerome entered the room first and to our surprise he went out again saying that bryan and erickson is having an “intimate discussion” and we wouldn’t want to disturb them, so we opened the veranda.

The veranda, one of the scenic places in the campus overlooking the LRT station, an old gov’t building next to a wide open space that used to be a parking lot, tall buildings and the basketball court beneath us. But the best part is the sky, which never seize to amaze me everytime we opened the door like its an entrance to a secret sacred place. At an instant the palaver started with noli telling some stories and the three of us listened, we had our turns in telling our own stories with whatever one wants to share or come up with, spontaneous barking that’s how I can describe it. When someone is talking somebody else has to have a comment on that and it would lead to another topic which another person would react to that will lead to another topic and therefore an endless cycle of intellectual nonsense chats. That’s how our life is almost everyday, after cramming for days or hours just to create one page of formed sentences from interviews and gathered data, we talk and talk until someone says “tara uwi na tayo” then everybody would leave and separate paths in the street of San Marcelino.

At the end of the day I end up smiling for a reason I barely  understand, like happiness came from releasing the stress I had that day, remembering my past and sharing my thoughts and ideas and to the people I’m starting to treasure. Now as I walk home alone, I never feel the need to hold somebody’s hand anymore just to know I’m secure, because I’m starting to realize I am now FIXED.

Mabilisan

I ony have 17 minutes to write this entry, before I prepare for school. and I’m making this just to release my stress.

(listening to castle in the sky)

one week to go before the the capping ceremony and I’m excited to wear our new uniform, well it’s not really about the new outfit, but it’s the feeling of fulfillment. I have put a lot of effort into this path and leaving it is the last thing I will ever do. life has been more generous to me this past few days, I just hope that I don’t get used to this state of life that when reality comes back, it’ll hit me harder. Triggered emotions, I haven’t felt this way for years. The feeling of happiness when you see someone (even just the sight of his name) makes you smile and completes your day that you never want to go to sleep because you’re afraid that you might not wake up the next morning.  To hear his voice and laughter that plays like music in your ears and acts like a healing potion to your broken soul. His smile that sparkles like the myriad stars in the darkness of the night. You feel perfectly happy and content just sitting next to that someone (4 minutes to go). But the inevitable fear of falling draws you back and tells you to stop or else when he’s gone, you’ll die again. Living with a dead soul is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. So don’t push your luck and entertain obscure feelings, just enjoy and see what happens

lucky day. oh happy day!

Just an ordinary day turned into a special one. when you realize that you’ve given people what is due to them, there’s this feeling of satisfaction and happiness inside you that you just can’t let the smile fade in your face. Even if smiling alone might look insane to other people, you just don’t care what they’re thinking, all you know and all you want to do is show them how happy you are. After correctly answering a question putting our group back on track, who wouldn’t be happy?! Ok, so maybe not everyone understands what I’m feeling right now.  grades for us white uniformed people is the only thing we think of next to waking up in the morning. Every single quiz counts, recitations are like speeches made in a large crowd that would determine the respect you would get from people listening or silently mocking you. Attitude is something you have to refine if you want to stay in your chosen profession and stop yourself from telling people in control that they are putting to much pressure on you. Patience is a virtue you should stick to your brain cells and not in your heart or else you would be insane. ewww. wait. I’m getting emotional.

A day spent with special people is really something to remember, you get to know them better and laugh with them. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like that, not worrying that if I get too happy I would end up crying. I just realized that there is this “someone” who could make me laugh, smile and make my neurons work double time when talking to him. Not to impress him but to blurt out my thoughts, what I really think about in life, gender equality, chivalry, how the human body works, stuff like that. Things not every man would have the capacity to react on, because there are only few men who think “intellectually”  and still manage to not look like a geek. Debating is one thing many men would avoid rather than speak and prove themselves wrong, they have too much EGO to be branded LOSER. Oh well, I guess writing it here wouldn’t change men in general because in reality they’re really not much of a talker.

Another day spent. Another memory remembered. Another laughter shared. A smile remembered.

Obviously, this entry doesn’t make sense. I don’t intend let most people reading this to understand it anyway.