“Elysian Chimera of the black empress”

Eternal silence of a deafening lullaby
so blue yet so warm to hear
the very humming sound of the heart
the very soul of the person waiting for veridical delight
it awaits the day that darkness will fade
and the light will shine again
to compel joy and to live anew.The Empress so envious of the sight
of lovely couples having delight
in each others arm and heavenly flight
with melancholy eyes & murky tears
waiting in vain and agonizing

 

I ask why can’t she love another kaiser
who could give her more than he could offer
in silence she spoke and I tumble
her eyes although mirthless
she replied in pure faith and hope

 

I could never learn to teach my heart
how to love another man
for it vowed to love only one,
I hope that someday he would hear my melody
th reason of my cantillate.

 

I awake with sloopy eyes
just before the coming of aurora
and I realized
I have known her all these time
the black empress…
was my tumtum and essentia
trying to hide so it won’t suffice.

(some deep words, but more deeper meaning… this is what you get when you let your heart take control.)

" mAwkisH JaPe"

geezz… dunno how to start my entry… so here goes nothing…

this week is really toxic! talk about every quizzes and assignments. a whole day class schedule and not enough sleep. I also have so many projects and lonely moments.

I love the block I’m in this semester, they are really friendly and funny. although I’ve known them before it’s much more different when you have them as your block mates. heheheh…. I’m somehow beginning to cope with the life here with my brother. honestly, I work harder this sem. but it seems that my inspirations neglect the way I work. I do everything for them but then they tell me to stay away from them. (not literally). I miss my mom so much, I haven’t seen her for two consecutive weeks. maybe I’m really not used to being away from my mom for a long time. Last week our dean (health ethics professor) told us that when we reach our third year, we will have an opportunity to visit the psychiatric ward. funny I was excited at the same time scared cause they say that some people have the tendency to be left there… not as a nurse but as a patient.

I miss my high school friends, snoopy, and my best friend. I wish I could go back to the time when I had the chance to tell him everything. last night I cried because of him. wahahaha whats ironic is that everytime of everyday that I try to forget everything about him the more I remember him and …. and… I fall deeper.

” I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs… I know that it’s out there, there’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere…”

viSceRal miSerY

I see the dark shadows of yesterday crawling behind my back, giving me pain and agony that I can’t let go. I can still feel this shabby heart and lonely soul within me…. walking with me in the path of uncertainty.

it was good that I was busy these past few days, that I almost forgot the birthdays of two of the numerous people how made a mark in my heart. what’s ironic is that they had their birtday the same time they became part of my life, the one how’s bday was on the 20th was the 2nd to the last and the one with the bday on the 21st was the last man I liked or maybe somehow, loved.

funny that I still can’t find that guy who would make me laugh and cry at the same time again. who would make me feel special in every way and that one guy I will love for he rest of my life.
And even though I’m surrounded by people in-love (e.g. my brother and my sister and their “amigo especial”) I find it hard to fall in-love again. Honestly speaking I’m not really good when it comes to having relationships, I will slip and I end up hurting myself. I somehow envy my two siblings since they both have stable relationships unlike me who is alone and again… alone.

I maybe having these emotional ups and downs but then again I’m starting to get used to it, to my brother’s friends and how they want to get me to talk about my “best friend” (for them it’s their partner) , used to walking alone going home, used to not texting someone telling how much I love him and to always take care… and used to being single. I know that it will take sometime before I laugh, smile and cry for the same reason I did before, but it’s comforting to say that right now I choose not to help myself get hurt anymore to be free from my own tears and from the pain that only time could mend but would forever leave a scar in my pumper (heart).