trapped in the world of uncertainty

now I’m really confused. with all the stuff happening around me. I feel like I’m living in my own world where people don’t exist and the past is present, never yesterday and always tomorrow. I look at people and I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t find a reason to live, can’t find a reason to smile the way I did before. Like I’m enveloped with this lonely feeling of despair. I used to be jolly person, making people happy was part of my everyday life, but now, I feel like I;m running out of words to say just to make other people happy. How can I? I don’t even know how to laugh anymore. can’t ind a reason to laugh like there’s no tomorrow. can’t find someone to make me feel special. is it because I’ve been away from th people I used to be with for a long time? or is it because I can’t tell anyone about my personal problems? or is it because I worry too much that I don’t have time to think of what I have right now? I have so many things running in my mind. and it is s*cks to say and think that I’m too numbed to feel anything real. I’m afraid to be happy. afraid to trust. afraid to love again. afraid to get hurt again. afraid to be in the state of moving on again. those things I just can’t bare. for me It’s just too much. thinkin bout it makes me think that the world is cruel,unfair and unreal all at once. these past few days I’ve been very emotional and looking at my family just makes me feel blessed and scared at the same time. blessed for having them and scared of loosing them. afraid that if I get too attached to someone, when they’re gone I might die with them. I’m crying inside, shouting for help, though no one hears me. some people say that I’m strong, funny, I think I’m fragile as a thin glass. I have never been really good in saying what I really feel. when I’m in front of someone and I have to tell them really special, I start to stutter, get nervous and I end up not being able to say anything essential. totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na ikaw lang nagiisp kung maganda ka o panget ka. In my position right now, I feel very ugly because I don’t know how to appreciate anything. I hate that I have to be the youngest daughter, gives me the feeling that they expect too much from me. I hate that I have to write these things down even if doing this doesn’t make a difference of the fact that my problems does exist. In the law of existentialism, a person is the one saying that something does exist. why are problems so hard for me to ignore?!I’m lost. I hope that someone would pick me up and help me.