(E)e(R)ie feeling

alas! our third weeek of duty just ended, 3 minor cases, (1from QI and 2 from GABMMC) 22 more cases to go! AJA!

This week we were assigned to the ER (emergency room) but since PGMA proclaimed monday a holiday, we only had 4 days of s duty 2 days in the Medical Center Parañaque (a private hosital located in sucat Parañaque) and 2 in Gat. Andres Bonifacio Memorial Medical Center (situated in Tondo Manila). The first two days was ok though we didn’t do much, the usual get V/S, HGT, monitor patient and the like. I was actually kinda dissappointed not being able to do stuff that I saw from ER series. Two days after, me and my groupmates were assigned to GAT. Earlier that week, our friends told us about the difference of the ER in both hospitals, saying that the public hospital offered more action than the private one. True enough when we went there at 2 pm in the afternoon, I was surprised to see people gathered in the ER varying from the old to the young, from emergent to fast-paced patients. It was there that I experienced doing things that I haven’t done before, assisting in suturing a lacerated wound, taking vital signs of patients that almost crossed the line, giving a skin test to a 3year old child, removing an IV insertion from a  baby and seeing people coming from different places but with only one aim, to be healed or if not relieved from pain. I saw the difference between the two setting, how people are managed and how dissimilar they treat complaints. Before I took up this path I used to think that blood oozing out from someone’s wound would freak me out and eventually put off my consciousness, but when time came, I felt nothing, not a single sensation of vomiting. Its kinda weird though, if my mom was there, she would have passed out at the sight of a single drop of blood ( good thing I didn’t get that part of her genes).

At the end of 4 days I said to myself I feel much more fulfilled in the public hospital, having the opportunity to help all those people just by getting their vital signs, testing medicines to see if they have an allergy, admitting them in the ER and adding another less-pain-day to their life.  I saw how doctors would take care of patients even if they haven’t eaten lunch and even if they feel exhausted. How nurses in the ER can still smile at each other and joke at times when humor can be the only way to release themselves from too much stress. I see how much lucky I am to be able to see things around me, how I blessed I am to be in this position in life and how grateful I should be that I have never experienced being hospitalized.

Life, is like an ER. Sometimes it only takes a 5 minute sponge bath to lower a fever, sometimes you have to take medicines and at times, when fever cannot be controlled a person would expeirence greater complicatiions and if not given the right solution, that may actually cost his life. A simple fever gone worst. A simple problem not given an appropriate action would cause a great effect/damage to ones life.  My analogy isn’t “that” exact but if your smart you’ll get what I mean. I still have 1 month before the 1st semester of 3rd year ends and I am finally getting the answers that I seek to find reason behind every move, every breat, every step of this profession I chose to take and endure, even if it means straining and stressing the last single neuron in my brain.

face to face with Reality

Earlier this day I had my first hospital duty in an old building in Quezon city. An eye opening experience actually, that life is short.

>  3 in the morning I woke up and realized I was an hour early for my duty to wake up for my duty, due to my excitement maybe. At 4 I packed my things, at

> 5:30 I was running to get a jeepney ride at leon guinto street.

>5:45 I was walking along Adamson walk way, 1 minute later I was catching my breath inside the SV building.

>We left school at exactly 6am and we arrived there even before the out patient department was open to the public, the unit we were assigned to. Our clinical instructor toured us in the place before work starts, I was almost an abandoned place, the 2nd floor was like a mere building with nothing in it, its a shame that a big and nice place like that would only go into waste because the government does not have enough funds.

>The real “thing” started by 8:30 in the morning, we assisted the nurse in taking vital signs (the never ending BP, PR,RR and temp) before te patients go to the doctor and tell their reasons why they visited that day.

>at around 11:30 we had our early lunch break and rest (we were allowed to take a nap and roam the place).

>By 1:00pm we went down to the place and resumed our 3 hours left of duty.

While waiting for the OPD to resume their services, we stayed inside the ER and I noticed that the patient who was brought there earlier has stopped breathing, or so I thought. So I asked one of my group mates to look at the man since I have a bad sight, she said “humihinga pa” so I said ok, but still felt a little concerned. After 15 minutes our C.I checked on the man only to find out he has left the world. His heart officially stopped at 1:25pm. With no one beside him and only a bag full of his things,a red cap and a pair of slippers the thin man silently died, without any sign of agony or pain, only a face of grief left. We rendered our last care to the man, at first I was actually scared to touch him but then all the fear faded and was replaced with sympathy. At the end of his life, I did what I could to give him dignity.

Alam kong huli na pero, kahit sa huling saglit ng buhay niya, alam kong may nagawa ako para sa kanya, sana naramdaman niyang importante siya kahit huli na ang lahat.

Maigsi ang buhay, ngayong taon Ilang beses nang gustong iparating sakin yan ng realidad, masakit pag may mga taong nawala, lalo na kung naging parte sila ng buhay mo. Pero sa pagkawala nila, nakikita ng isang tao kung gaano siya kaswerte at kahit papano humihinga parin siya, binibigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon para makasama ang ibang tao sa paligid niya. Sana hindi na kelangan pang may lumisan para malaman ng tao kung gaano kasayang mabuhay para walang nasasayang na sandali.

This is just a taste of what my life would be years from now, and If someone asks if I still want to pursue this profession, the answer would be no other than an undoubtful YES.

Reality check: 7:42pm kelangan ko pang maglaba ng uniform para may masuot ako sa wednesday.

5pm society of the veranda

Another once in a lifetime thing is happening on friday and things get a little slow for us nursing students, which is good since we’ve been working like robots with no proper sleeping habits like 2-3 hours of sleep is already rejuvinating.

I’ve been under this organization at school since the 2nd semester of 2nd year when I unintentionally took the exam to get in, next thing I know I was being interviewed by my superiors and after that we were taken to baguio for a journalism conference. It was fun being with the people in that group, the bonding, A LOT of singing and a little dancing, pop-up debates (usually initiated by bryan), philosophical thinking on how cruel at the same time happy life is and everyday conrversations that became an almost everyday routine.

The small talks is starting to be like heroine, you can’t get enough of it, like something in you tells you to have more everyday (haven’t taken them but that’s how they descrivbe the drug). Its good to have some people to converse with about everything under the sun; love, studies, morality, gender inequality, and other stuff that gets the nerves working like hell. You have to state your opinion every now and then, laugh when someone cracks a joke or even get sad when reality bites. Earlier today, we were dismissed ahead of time and I was really relieved to go home with the sun still up. But as I was trying to leave the building I saw my batch mates and they told me we still have singing lessons for the ceremony on Friday. Dismayed, I went back to the office in the intention of leaving my things so I can attend the practice, but like magnet I was pulled on staying in the office and chat with my friends till the practice is over (I couldn’t sneak out because I’m afraid to get caught not attending).

I saw dom eating kerrimo ( 2 in 1 snack composed of softdrinks and bite size goodies) thrilled to see that the store where he bought the stuff re-opened, I had them accompany me in buying it. On our way to the cafeteria the repartee started and as usual, I was on the mood to fight the three of them back. dom, noli jerome and me (the only girl) went to buy our merienda. While waiting for our orders to be served we talked about how one of them has a “greener” mind than the other, how dom always laughs when someone in the office talks about something he thinks has another meaning. Weird but its one of our typical topics. When we got our food, we went back and walked the easier path going back to the fourth floor where the office resides. Jerome entered the room first and to our surprise he went out again saying that bryan and erickson is having an “intimate discussion” and we wouldn’t want to disturb them, so we opened the veranda.

The veranda, one of the scenic places in the campus overlooking the LRT station, an old gov’t building next to a wide open space that used to be a parking lot, tall buildings and the basketball court beneath us. But the best part is the sky, which never seize to amaze me everytime we opened the door like its an entrance to a secret sacred place. At an instant the palaver started with noli telling some stories and the three of us listened, we had our turns in telling our own stories with whatever one wants to share or come up with, spontaneous barking that’s how I can describe it. When someone is talking somebody else has to have a comment on that and it would lead to another topic which another person would react to that will lead to another topic and therefore an endless cycle of intellectual nonsense chats. That’s how our life is almost everyday, after cramming for days or hours just to create one page of formed sentences from interviews and gathered data, we talk and talk until someone says “tara uwi na tayo” then everybody would leave and separate paths in the street of San Marcelino.

At the end of the day I end up smiling for a reason I barely  understand, like happiness came from releasing the stress I had that day, remembering my past and sharing my thoughts and ideas and to the people I’m starting to treasure. Now as I walk home alone, I never feel the need to hold somebody’s hand anymore just to know I’m secure, because I’m starting to realize I am now FIXED.

Mabilisan

I ony have 17 minutes to write this entry, before I prepare for school. and I’m making this just to release my stress.

(listening to castle in the sky)

one week to go before the the capping ceremony and I’m excited to wear our new uniform, well it’s not really about the new outfit, but it’s the feeling of fulfillment. I have put a lot of effort into this path and leaving it is the last thing I will ever do. life has been more generous to me this past few days, I just hope that I don’t get used to this state of life that when reality comes back, it’ll hit me harder. Triggered emotions, I haven’t felt this way for years. The feeling of happiness when you see someone (even just the sight of his name) makes you smile and completes your day that you never want to go to sleep because you’re afraid that you might not wake up the next morning.  To hear his voice and laughter that plays like music in your ears and acts like a healing potion to your broken soul. His smile that sparkles like the myriad stars in the darkness of the night. You feel perfectly happy and content just sitting next to that someone (4 minutes to go). But the inevitable fear of falling draws you back and tells you to stop or else when he’s gone, you’ll die again. Living with a dead soul is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. So don’t push your luck and entertain obscure feelings, just enjoy and see what happens

lucky day. oh happy day!

Just an ordinary day turned into a special one. when you realize that you’ve given people what is due to them, there’s this feeling of satisfaction and happiness inside you that you just can’t let the smile fade in your face. Even if smiling alone might look insane to other people, you just don’t care what they’re thinking, all you know and all you want to do is show them how happy you are. After correctly answering a question putting our group back on track, who wouldn’t be happy?! Ok, so maybe not everyone understands what I’m feeling right now.  grades for us white uniformed people is the only thing we think of next to waking up in the morning. Every single quiz counts, recitations are like speeches made in a large crowd that would determine the respect you would get from people listening or silently mocking you. Attitude is something you have to refine if you want to stay in your chosen profession and stop yourself from telling people in control that they are putting to much pressure on you. Patience is a virtue you should stick to your brain cells and not in your heart or else you would be insane. ewww. wait. I’m getting emotional.

A day spent with special people is really something to remember, you get to know them better and laugh with them. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like that, not worrying that if I get too happy I would end up crying. I just realized that there is this “someone” who could make me laugh, smile and make my neurons work double time when talking to him. Not to impress him but to blurt out my thoughts, what I really think about in life, gender equality, chivalry, how the human body works, stuff like that. Things not every man would have the capacity to react on, because there are only few men who think “intellectually”  and still manage to not look like a geek. Debating is one thing many men would avoid rather than speak and prove themselves wrong, they have too much EGO to be branded LOSER. Oh well, I guess writing it here wouldn’t change men in general because in reality they’re really not much of a talker.

Another day spent. Another memory remembered. Another laughter shared. A smile remembered.

Obviously, this entry doesn’t make sense. I don’t intend let most people reading this to understand it anyway.

Scrambled thoughts due to frequent loss of focus.

These past few days we were assigned to attend some rallies, school gatherings and stuff like that in connection with the issues and scandals that’s happening to the government. It all started when J.lo (jun Lozada) spilled all the corruption happpening in the government, a bad habit that has become a culture of, if not al, some politician. The nursing week also opened last thursday (wonder why it’s called nursing week when it won’t last for a week).

SMIIC Ecumenical Gathering

it was held at St. Paul’s College-Manila, I was suppose to have a class from 1pm-5pm but I decided to attend the gathering instead, thought it was fun. I knew that we were going to walk from the University going to pedro gil (where st. paul stands) and I was brave enough to accept the beat even though I was wearing my Nursing Uniform, all white and obviously not fit to be worn at times like that. I volunteered to take the pictures so I more or less had fun going there, but there was something more when I went there.

Students and some administrator coming from ten different schools namely DLSU-manila, SSC, PWU, PNU, CSB, Lyceum, AdU, SPUM, EAC and PCU participated in the activity to show their support in the statement made by The Catholic Educational Association of the Philippines (CEAP) “Speaking truth, Seeking Justice and Setting Things Right”. (other infos in the upcoming 2nd issue of the Adamson Chronicle).

yeay! I was seated with the pariticipants from the other schools and after the talk of Bishop Claver we had a small session tackling and sharing our opinions. It was fun, but I didn’t say much because my shyness just popped out of nowhere (damn). After that we were asked to write in a big tarpaulin with the name of our University on top with the question that goes like “what can you do to make a change” (parang ganun pero not exactly), anyway, I was the first one to write since our group ended the session first. I forgot what I exactly wrote but I know that it had something to do with me being a writer, that I would try to say only the truth when doing my duty. It ended at around 6 in the evening.

NURSING WEEK OPENING 

As a member of the Nursing chorale, we are assigned to sing for the Mass before Opening the event, 3 days before that we had practices in which I was only able to attend the last due to unexpected circumstances. After going back to the school from the Ecumenical Gathering I went to the practice, sang and went home wasted. The next day, at 7 in the morning I saw myself still practicing the song beside the Our Lady Of Miraculous Medal  just beside SV building. During the Homily, I was touched by the sermon of father Greg. Bañaga, the President of the University, as he congratulated the Board passers of the College having a 90% result and putting the name of the University at 7th amongst other Nursing schools in the Philippines. He also stated some trait that a Vincentian Nurse should have, like being compassionate and patient, I thought yes, certainly that is the trait that makes us unique.

INTER FAITH RALLY

oh yes, the rally that I thought would knock on someone’s conscience hard enough to step down from her position, but Unfortuantely nothing happened. We walked from Adamson University to Paseo de Roxas in Makati and yes my legs and feet are very tired after that. and since I took some pictures, I had to run from one point to another, and then run back to my fellow adamsonian. I took some great shots like, a child sitting in the shoulders of his father waving a green flaglet which symbolizes the people’s search for truth (i think), rallyist wearing a demon face of you know who and numerous banners stating different things with the same message, that they want change.

All in all that is how I spent my last week of february. I already had a view of my grades and was I dissapointed, I thought I was working hard enough to get the grades that I want. (sigh) I hope that I can make it to the finals.

from the inside

it’s gone now, all my frustrations of being a green blood student of the prestigious university, 2 years ago I cried a river knowing I won’t be able to enter it even though I was accepted, regret has conquered my mind for quite sometime. for two years I was curious on what it feels to be in there, to be see the tall rise buildings from the inside to belong, and now I know.

I woke up at 730 in the morning, surprised that I was suppose to be in the meeting place earlier to  print our IDs for the publication, I was late… nothing new.  I quickly fixed myself and left our house ran to the main street and had a jeepney ride. went down in front of mc donalds  and looked for my friends. I was not excited or anything knowing I’ll be able to see the inside of my dream school, maybe that’s the side efffect of sleeping late and waking up early. we went in, registered and went on with our real purpose for being there, to gain more knowledge on journalism and get more bonded hahahahha.

we spent our whole day listening then eating and then more listening. being inside there was something I’ve always wanted but never thought I would be given the chance. I guess being inside gave me the conviction that I wasn’t really meant to be in that school, that there is something in store for me in the school I’m in right now.

33 days to go before Happy Hearts day…

I couldn’t think of any title so I decided to count how many days before Valentines day comes… I’m bad in counting so don’t be surprised if I’m a day late or advanced, anyway that’s that.

The new year just started and a new life for me awaits, I can still remember the smell of fireworks and firecrackers that my neighbors in laguna used the past celebration, how people waited for the New year thinking they can leave everything they regret and did wrong in the year that will be leaving. I celebrated  Christmas and New year with my Family and relatives in Laguna, with was nothing unusual yet every year I look forward for those 2 days, aside from my birthday of course. We had a pot-lock party at Christmas, our place in laguna is just at the side of my mom’s older sister and to its right side was another house in which my mom’s youngest sister and her family lived. they were all 5 in the family all of them girls, so definitely no one carried the name of the family when they go married. the other two sisters of my mom was living somewhere in BF homes, one of which I used to live when I was in first year college before moving into my brother’s place here in quirino. it was easy for us to prepare food, to find each person and to stay bonded because each house was near the other. My brother helped my mom cook chichken curry and I helped her make lasagna, by 7 in the evening of december 24 everyone in the family was present, except for my cousin who was studying in vienna. there was a variety of food in the main table thai food, jap food, italian and filipino food and everyone rounded it like ants getting their own part of food.  after eating we all gatherd in the garden at one house and talked non-stop, sang using magic sing and waited for Christmas day to come. I went to mass with my four other cousins and came back just in time for gift giving, the most awaited part of the party. We would all gather around the living room and sit there patiently as our names are called, we waited like little children except that now we are all grown up and most of us are not allowed to fall in line for the aguinaldo-giving part, the only ones allowed were up to high school students and I was two years ahead. that was all I can write the rest is history.

new year’s eve came like the other new year’s eve the only new thing about the last was that I confessed before the new year started and that felt really great. I was planning to have a new years resolution list but then I got lazy a only wrote a few, good thing I went to the YFC discovery camp and they instructed us to make something like one.

The new year started, my tito lighted up all the firecrackers they bought and we had a feast in 3 different houses, with three different menus. looking forward for a new year is awkward in a way, I find myself leaving something I didn’t want to but then it feels great to be moving on and to know that I’m still alive and continuously pestering the people around me, making their lives more miserable and it could ever be. hehehehe… now that I have learned how to inject, I can make their lives more miserable than I could before. hahahaha

this entry is not something that is worth reading so now you can regret that you read it to the last word. hahahahaaahah.

Loving in silence

as the bright little chrsitmas lights paint the town, the cold winds embraces me as if consoling my broken soul, the season for giving and loving is becoming the hardest season to be in. I wish it would end. I wish I could neglect its coming.

a week ago I was totaly delighted by the fact that the most awaited time of the year is finally coming, Christmas. at that time cupids arrow still has its effect on me, and I really think it was a bullseye, at an instant I suddenly realized I was feeling something different, something I wasn’t feeling for a long time, at least that was what I thought. I was always happy everytime I wake up in the morning, thinking that I could see his face everytime I go to the University, I can talk to him, see his smile, laugh at his korny jokes, tease him “payatot” and stuff like that just to be able to be near him. But then destiny would always play it tricks on me, and test my courage when it came to falling in love.

Today I find myself trapped in uncertainty, the feeling of a never ending search for someone I don’t even know. the need to be recognized by someone who doesn’t even I know that I exist. I tried to conquer my fear by sending him a letter that would probably let him get the right message, it’s not a sin to be poetic sometimes, but like any other thing in life, the saddest reality is that you can’t have everything you want, specially not just anyone. So now, I will love him in silence, in my thoughts I’ll remember his words, in my dreams I see the smile on his face.

I will take refuge in the thought that there are more than 5 billion men in the world and that one of them, was made to smile just for me.

so what I should do now is WAIT. as what kuya chino said: ” may dadating naman na someone who will love you as you love him”

kasi naman eh, why do people have to love someone, when they spent almost half of their life loving only their parents, pets and the things around them. why do they have to find someone that would have the ability to hurt them ?

wAking up in the wrong side of THE Bed

funny how a single moment can make your day go from good to worst…

another day in school and another boring class, I really don’t know why I can’t listen to her earnestly, so I just managed to scribble some words in a yellow pad and here is what my creative mind fabricated…

scream and shout tillyour voice breaks

 as anger eats your being and hate conquers your heart

practice the Art of strength and grudge

corrupt one’s soul that vows to tear the world apart

create war and indwelling pride

strip of love and happiness

it will only chain you from uncertainty

tie yourself up with the world’s madness and vague greed

spread the wings of demons

learn to mock every being with cruelty and disgust

top it off with the face of a mad man

help yourself

end every person that you hate and made you suffer

that will surely make you better…

revenge those who broke your heart and bury him alive with their life

step on their face till they can’t breathe

fry their stoned heart till it turns to dust

pull out each hair that they have

until blood runs down their body like the nile river

 Do this and you will live in silence for a day

afterwards

DIE for Eternity

 

 

after class I managed to eat lunch, talk a little with my friends and then slept. I woke up with the noise of my blockmates coming inside to start our vincentian studies, we watched 2 “dokyu” from I-witness that featured lives of “Basureros”. As I was watching, I got amazed to see  how far people will go just to be able to eat, they collect left-over foods from garbage bags, they even took some soiled ones and re-cook it for dinner, the call it “batchoy”. The other documentary was about tuna fishermen, who take the risk in the ferocious waves of the pacific ocean.

Most of the scenes somehow made me realize I should be content with what I have and that some people would actually give anything just to be in my shoes. Ironic, earlier this day I was furious (about something I don’t wanna elaborate) and the next thing I know I’m thankful for being where I am and what I have. Just when I was losing hope of accomplishing my responsibilities, something in me was triggered and told me not to give up. to have Faith. to be strong.