When words are not enough

When emotions build up inside, you can’t say anything right, you then resort into total silence because words can’t describe the way you feel.

S*** Ilang oras na akong nagiingles. Sa blog na into. Gagamit ako ng wikang Pilipino.

Matapos ang ilang taon na pagsasama ano na? Ganun na lang ba? Iwanan sa ere ang drama? Bakit hindi ka magpakita? Sobrang dami mo bang ginagawa para hindi mo man lamang ako mapaglaanan ng kahit 1 oras? Hindi ko alam kung sinong may mali. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba dahil gusto palagi kitang makita. Sinabi kong hindi maayos ang lahat, pero hindi ko sinabing balewala na. Gano mo pa ako katagal ibibitin? Napapagod na ako. Palagi na lang ganito. Pakiramdam ko walang tama sa aking pagkatao.

A lost too great to handle

For the Man I will always love

one morning when he was looking on the backyard we saw him and asked him to pose for a picture. I taught him how to pose like that a day before.

It was late in the afternoon, I was on duty in a hospital in Quezon city when I received a message from my father saying that my grandfather had difficulty breathing. I was alarmed but I never thought that that would be the start of the end.  I was too preoccupied with school that I forgot to check on him, 3 days after, when I called them (lola and him), I heard his voice and I knew then that he had a stroke. A sudden burst of mixed emotion filled me, hate, worry, guilt and a lot more I cannot understand. When I dropped the call to my lola, I immediately called my sister and we planned on putting lolo to a hospital in Bataan first thing in the morning. My sister gave me the task to call my grandmother first thing in the morning, before I even take the mock board exam at school. I did was I was told to do, only it was hours late, he already left. for good.

I now live in regret knowing that I should’ve done something, if I did, he would probably be there in Bataan wearing his favorite dilapitated pants, socks, a sando with polo to complete the attire. He probably would be eating nagaraya or banana while watching his favorite telanovela. I miss him so badly, I couldn’t accept the fact that he’s gone. I still hope that when I visit in bataan he would be there with lola, that I would hug someone who haven’t had a bath for weeks but still smell great. I still hope that he would be there to share his stories during war or he would be arguing with lola about the real story of how they met. I still hope that he would be there offering me soft drinks or anything I would like to eat. I still hope that I could have someone I would be annoyed at for not taking his medicines properly. But I have to face reality, and accept the fact that he’s gone and that the only thing that would be there when I visit are his ashes.

He celebrated his 80th birthday last June 30, 2009, and I can still remember that we all went to Bataan (where both he and my grandmother lives) . I wish I could’ve told him how much I love him, now its too late.

In memory of Lucino Roxas Faylona, the greatest man I have ever known.

In a Blink of an Eye

I’m in the verge of getting into the medical profession and for our training we are required to have duties in hospitals on different units.

 

We were assigned for 4 days in intensive care units of two hospitals in Metro Manila, and this experience I will never forget. The day we met her. Let’s just call her by the name Angel D, in her young age of 15, she acquired GBS or Guillain-Barré syndrome, a very rare autoimmune condition that attacks the peripheral nervous system of the body causing damage to the nerves and in time, total paralysis. Only 1 to 2 out of 100,000 get this disease and it can be treated, but if it gets into the lungs (paralysis usually starts in an ascending manner) it gets a little more complicated and it may cause death. Before we started our duty, our clinical instructor oriented us of the facility and the patients we can possibly handle, one of them is Angel D. I must admit that that was the first time I saw someone with a very rare condition,not that I’m amazed or anything like that, its just that her condition started with just a simple stomach ache and then progressed into a nightmare. My two of my group mates was assigned to take care of her, and we had a case study on her condition, to do this we have to interview some of her relatives and know her history, since she can’t talk. We found out that she was a volleyball player, she was having a normal day when suddenly her limbs went weak and when they went to the hospital she was diagnosed with that rare condition. For someone who is physically active I was somehow puzzled why the disease chose her.  She was on mechanical ventilator, she had her meals on nasogastric tube and whenever she felt any pain, she would try to call out for help (like a silent scream) and make an expression so painful while tears roll down her cheeks, during these times I couldn’t stand to see her in agony. Once when my friend asked her how much pain she was feeling on a scale of 1- 10 (10 being the highest) she blinked her eyes 10 times, we couldn’t do anything but report what’s happening to her and have the seniors handle the situation. That was our first day in that unit. On the second day, we were somehow surprised to see her in a better condition, my friends who were assigned to her tried  to communicate by saying a letter and have her blink if they said the correct letter, then spelled it afterwards. There was also one time when they had to feed her (she have to receive osteorized feedings every two hours since she’s in the adolescent stage)  that she had her eyes brows meet like she was annoyed, telling us she didn’t like to be fed anymore and that she only wanted to have the head of her bed in a lower position, which we can’t do since it might cause aspiration. Before we left, we all said goodbye to her and that was the last time I was her, we had hope that one day she would get out of the hospital alive. My friend said she was hoping that one day, when Angel D was all better she would bump into her in some random place and tell her that she was the one who took care of her, that won’t happen anymore because some weeks after someone told us that she have already left earth, to live an eternal life.  

 

I feel very lucky right now that I’m writing this blog. I guess not everyone gets the chance to live a long life, she showed me the reality. All the while I thought that everyone gets old and there is almost a 101% chance that you’ll get on with life, graduate from college, get a job, have a family, kids, grandchildren and then you’ll die, but that is not always the case. I don’t know if she had lived a fruitful life or if she was obedient and all but what I know is that she still had the desire to live but unfortunately her clock stopped ticking. In a blink of an eye, someone you love may disappear forever unknowingly, and that I think is the most painful thing that can happen to a person. When I went to Laguna last night, I hugged my mom and sister really tight, I was somehow afraid that the same thing would happen to them and I could miss the chance to tell them how much I love and appreciate them. 

To those who will have the time to read this blog, please have the time to reflect and realize how beautiful life is. I know that sometimes we get into a situation when we just want to end everything because we couldn’t bare to experience the agony and all that drama, but we have to continue living whatever happens, because what we have is a gift and not every one is given a present to open each day. To Angel D we know that you are now in heaven, you will never be forgotten, you are now a part of our lives and you have given us another reason to be in this profession. Live in Peace. 

 

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The TRUTH hurts. a lot.

When you start to trust again, you realize that you’ve been so damned  not to trust for a very long time. But when that trust gets broken and you learn the truth it hurts and you remember the reason why you’ve been keeping that trust within yourself, why you keep yourself from loving someone too much. I used to say truth sets everything right,  honestly I barely tell a lie when it only concerns me, because I believe that that’s where evil starts to creep your soul and eat you up. Now I learn that along with that comes the pain of knowing that someone you love so much has taken advantage of that trust and kept you a fool longer than you imagined. What’s worst is that the truth didn’t come from the horse’s mouth but from his friend. I’m confused, am I not good enough for him or for anyone I love? Now I’m doubting that my friends are telling me the truth, because they always say that the person I would love is gonna be lucky to have me. no one appreciates the small stuff I do for them, why do I have to feel this pain? Is this a curse that I have to handle? that no one would take me seriously because I’m such a crybaby and emo girl with a lot of stuff going on her mind.  The pain I feel is too much to be described, no words can say how much pain, anger, sadness and mistrust I feel right now. Truth is always good but one has to be prepared for the agony it brings for with it comes the reality that you’re not good enough.

before the year ends (bago matapos ang taon)

bago matapos ang taon nais ko lang gumawa ng isang blog. bow.

Marami akong naiisp isulat nitong taon pero dahil ang dami at hindi sila organisado hindi ko masimulan ang lahat, isa pa wala akong oras para magisip kung pano ko aayusin ang pagiisip ko. masyadong komplekado. kung mapapansin MO (mambabasa) ang ilan sa mga salita na naririto ay wala sa diksyunaryo dahil sa ngayon ayoko munang sumunod sa batayan kung ano ba talaga ang isang maganda at maayos na sulatin ( sa tingin ko kahit kelan naman ay hindi ko nasunod yun) dahil sa ngayon ay gusto ko lang sumulat (hindi yung literal).

LECTURE NG BUHAY.

marami akong natutunaw ngayong taon na ito ngunit ilan lamang sa mga ito ang ilalagay ko sa huling blog entry ko sa taong 2008. aaminin kong naging sobrang tamad akong tao nitong 2008, tila wala akong makitang dahilan para gumawa pa ng mga bagay na lagpas sa aking kakayahan. alam kong tama ang daan na tinatahak ko peron hindi ko alam kung nararapat ba ako dito. sa kasalukuyan ay 3 semestre na lamang at tapos na ako ng kolehiyo sa isang kursong hindi ko malaman kung bakit ko pinasukan pero natutunan kong mahalin matapos ang  taon na pagaaral nito. nasa isang unibersidad na ni sa panaginip ko wala sa ga plano ko nung nasa highschool pa lang ako, unang una ayoko tlaga dito pero kinalaunan sinunod ko din ang payo sa akin ng mahal kong kapatid sa kanyang retreat letter para sakin na “kahit ano pang unibersidad ang pinasukan mo, gusto mo man o hindi, dapat matutuna mo itong mahalin. isa pang aral HUWAG KANG TAMAD! wala pang taong naging maunlad dahil naging tamad sila, wala pang taong nabiyayayaan ng lib-libong pera para lang gawin ang gawain ng mga ANIMALs (pigs). isa pang natutunan ko ay hindi ka dapat nagtitiwala kagad sa mga taong nakikilala mo dapat usisain mo silang mabuti katulad ng pagpili n damit, kelangan bagay sayo at hindi ka magsasawang suotin dahil pag nangyari yun itatambak mo lang sila sa kabinet mo mawawalan sila ng silbi, yun ang dapat iwasang mangyari. sa pagibig… next topic na tayo. game sa magulo sweet nakakakilig at nakakabaliw na pagibig hindi ko pa alam ang kasagutan sa mga katanungan ko, dahil tila subalit mahirap nang malaman kung ano ba talaga ang totoo at hindi. sabi ng lola ko nung isang araw na nagpunta kami sa bataan at inusisa ang lovelife ko, malalaman ko daw na totoong pagibig na yun pag isang araw gumising ka at iba na ang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya kasunod nun ang mahabang lovestory nila ng lolo ko na hindi naman nakakasawang pakinggan sa kadahilanang hindi ko alam.  sa pagkakaibigan, sa tingin ko walang kaso kung palagi kayong magkasama dat kung palagi kayong magkatext, ang mahalaga nanjana ang isa’t isa sa oras ng pangangailangan. meron kasi akong mga naging kaibigan (at sana kaibigan ko parin sila hanggang ngayon) na hindi ko namand palaging kinakausap pero pag kelangan ko ng malalabasan ng lahat ng sh*t sa buhay one text away lang. meron namang dati ay pinagpipilitang magkaibigan kami tapos nung inamin ko na FINALLY na magkaibigan kami, tsaka naman ako iniwan dahil sa isang mali kong nagawa. (alam ko rin naman na mai ang nagawa ko, pero kung buhay at kalayaan ang nakataya, ipagkakait mo ba ito?, hindi ako nagpakabayani, nagpakatao pede pa). meron din akong naging kaibigan na lumalim ang aming samahan nang nagkolehiyo na kami, kumpara nung hayskul na hindi masyadong nagpapansinan.  anywho.  anyhow. carabao. bow.

taposs na! yes! finally! ang last entry ko sa blog ng 2008. nilagay ko lamang kung anong laman ng utak ngayong nasa peak hour ang utak ko at sale ang mga idea.  sanay dumating ang panahon na babalikan ko ang entry na toh at matatawa sa ka-emohan ko.

kitkat faylona 2008 now signing off…

(arti)

Permanent Inhabitant of the Long Lost World

after months of not being able to touch the keyboard and type nonsense stuff alas! I’m back… but only until christmas vacation lasts. I have gone through 2 months of hardship,  4-5 hours of sleep every night, 1 hour of meal and the rest was intended for reading the thickest book I have ever read in my entire life! I remember when I was in high school I barely scan my books, except for noli and el filibusterismo which we were required to read in advance so that we won’t stand the whole class. But though it was tiring, hell it was all worth it! being able to answer the questions your professors throw at you and passing those long quizzes was more rewarding than I ever thought. I  forgot how it felt like to be praised for doing something great or something not expected of me. I was too busy mocking those people who didn’t play the game right, too busy acting like an immature child, but in the end I was the one who gained nothing. I still have 3 more months to fill and prove myself to my family and my superiors. I now belong to a block where people greet a happy good morning even if they’re too busy reviewing for the quiz. People who make me feel secure and make me laugh even after receiving a bad comment from a terror professor.

The Lights in  REMEDIOS

One night as I was passing by the street of Remedios in Malate, I saw people hanging Christmas decorations as the cool night breeze brushed in my face. I realized that it was again the event children have been waiting for…  the BIRTH of the SON. 19 years of living on earth was like an eternity not everyone would want, but no one would dare leave. In my small steps but rather fast paced walk I pretend that I’m cold as ice and hard as stone,  I dare go back to the time I was soft as a pillow and sweet as the candy canes given to small children then just when I have reached the front of the house I tell myself how much I regret feeling that way, blaming myself for being so weak and vulnerable to emotions that make people alike… they all love. I will never commit the same mistake twice, not in this lifetime not until I have found the reason for the pain I felt before and not until I find a rational reason.

kasalukuyan kong binabasa ngayon ang Witch of Portobello na sinulat ni Paulo Coelho. napanalunan ko ito sa aming christmas party.

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(E)e(R)ie feeling

alas! our third weeek of duty just ended, 3 minor cases, (1from QI and 2 from GABMMC) 22 more cases to go! AJA!

This week we were assigned to the ER (emergency room) but since PGMA proclaimed monday a holiday, we only had 4 days of s duty 2 days in the Medical Center Parañaque (a private hosital located in sucat Parañaque) and 2 in Gat. Andres Bonifacio Memorial Medical Center (situated in Tondo Manila). The first two days was ok though we didn’t do much, the usual get V/S, HGT, monitor patient and the like. I was actually kinda dissappointed not being able to do stuff that I saw from ER series. Two days after, me and my groupmates were assigned to GAT. Earlier that week, our friends told us about the difference of the ER in both hospitals, saying that the public hospital offered more action than the private one. True enough when we went there at 2 pm in the afternoon, I was surprised to see people gathered in the ER varying from the old to the young, from emergent to fast-paced patients. It was there that I experienced doing things that I haven’t done before, assisting in suturing a lacerated wound, taking vital signs of patients that almost crossed the line, giving a skin test to a 3year old child, removing an IV insertion from a  baby and seeing people coming from different places but with only one aim, to be healed or if not relieved from pain. I saw the difference between the two setting, how people are managed and how dissimilar they treat complaints. Before I took up this path I used to think that blood oozing out from someone’s wound would freak me out and eventually put off my consciousness, but when time came, I felt nothing, not a single sensation of vomiting. Its kinda weird though, if my mom was there, she would have passed out at the sight of a single drop of blood ( good thing I didn’t get that part of her genes).

At the end of 4 days I said to myself I feel much more fulfilled in the public hospital, having the opportunity to help all those people just by getting their vital signs, testing medicines to see if they have an allergy, admitting them in the ER and adding another less-pain-day to their life.  I saw how doctors would take care of patients even if they haven’t eaten lunch and even if they feel exhausted. How nurses in the ER can still smile at each other and joke at times when humor can be the only way to release themselves from too much stress. I see how much lucky I am to be able to see things around me, how I blessed I am to be in this position in life and how grateful I should be that I have never experienced being hospitalized.

Life, is like an ER. Sometimes it only takes a 5 minute sponge bath to lower a fever, sometimes you have to take medicines and at times, when fever cannot be controlled a person would expeirence greater complicatiions and if not given the right solution, that may actually cost his life. A simple fever gone worst. A simple problem not given an appropriate action would cause a great effect/damage to ones life.  My analogy isn’t “that” exact but if your smart you’ll get what I mean. I still have 1 month before the 1st semester of 3rd year ends and I am finally getting the answers that I seek to find reason behind every move, every breat, every step of this profession I chose to take and endure, even if it means straining and stressing the last single neuron in my brain.

face to face with Reality

Earlier this day I had my first hospital duty in an old building in Quezon city. An eye opening experience actually, that life is short.

>  3 in the morning I woke up and realized I was an hour early for my duty to wake up for my duty, due to my excitement maybe. At 4 I packed my things, at

> 5:30 I was running to get a jeepney ride at leon guinto street.

>5:45 I was walking along Adamson walk way, 1 minute later I was catching my breath inside the SV building.

>We left school at exactly 6am and we arrived there even before the out patient department was open to the public, the unit we were assigned to. Our clinical instructor toured us in the place before work starts, I was almost an abandoned place, the 2nd floor was like a mere building with nothing in it, its a shame that a big and nice place like that would only go into waste because the government does not have enough funds.

>The real “thing” started by 8:30 in the morning, we assisted the nurse in taking vital signs (the never ending BP, PR,RR and temp) before te patients go to the doctor and tell their reasons why they visited that day.

>at around 11:30 we had our early lunch break and rest (we were allowed to take a nap and roam the place).

>By 1:00pm we went down to the place and resumed our 3 hours left of duty.

While waiting for the OPD to resume their services, we stayed inside the ER and I noticed that the patient who was brought there earlier has stopped breathing, or so I thought. So I asked one of my group mates to look at the man since I have a bad sight, she said “humihinga pa” so I said ok, but still felt a little concerned. After 15 minutes our C.I checked on the man only to find out he has left the world. His heart officially stopped at 1:25pm. With no one beside him and only a bag full of his things,a red cap and a pair of slippers the thin man silently died, without any sign of agony or pain, only a face of grief left. We rendered our last care to the man, at first I was actually scared to touch him but then all the fear faded and was replaced with sympathy. At the end of his life, I did what I could to give him dignity.

Alam kong huli na pero, kahit sa huling saglit ng buhay niya, alam kong may nagawa ako para sa kanya, sana naramdaman niyang importante siya kahit huli na ang lahat.

Maigsi ang buhay, ngayong taon Ilang beses nang gustong iparating sakin yan ng realidad, masakit pag may mga taong nawala, lalo na kung naging parte sila ng buhay mo. Pero sa pagkawala nila, nakikita ng isang tao kung gaano siya kaswerte at kahit papano humihinga parin siya, binibigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon para makasama ang ibang tao sa paligid niya. Sana hindi na kelangan pang may lumisan para malaman ng tao kung gaano kasayang mabuhay para walang nasasayang na sandali.

This is just a taste of what my life would be years from now, and If someone asks if I still want to pursue this profession, the answer would be no other than an undoubtful YES.

Reality check: 7:42pm kelangan ko pang maglaba ng uniform para may masuot ako sa wednesday.