writing to fight, better yet, figthing to write…

I’ve been looking for an inspiration to scribble my pen and create something worth reading, but it seems that the muses have forgotten about me and I somehow feel betrayed.

The release of our first issue went well and I feel a little relieved about this or so I thought. Few days after the paper went out, gervic told us about the bad news, that someone in the forums is saying negative things about us and our works, and I heard there was a particular girl saying the one I made was like korny or stupid or something like that (I don’t care whatever she said). The last thing that I need for me to be confident and fool myself that I am fitting to be in my position is someone mocking at us, but it was inevitable and I expected that since we can’t please everybody.

Just this afternoon we had a meeting with our technical adviser and I was surprised when she said that I shouldn’t feel bad about the negative things the old members of the publication said in the Adamsonian Forums. I didn’t mind at first since I personally haven’t read anything (too busy to bother either) and I know that worrying about those things won’t get me anywhere and would only trigger my laziness to write. She also shared with us her experience back when she was still in college, way back in 1988 (when I was still a fetus, maybe) all the rebellious acts of the students of the University. Rallies were a usual thing seen everyday, classes were cut because of unscheduled school activities made possible by the running officers for the student government, there was a month that they didn’t have any classes and some, even played “patintero” with the angel of death, unforutnately others got “tagged” and IT became the end of their game.

While she was telling the stories I was starting to imagine how chaotic it was in the school before I was even born, the time when our graduates would not be accepted when they apply for a job because they were thought to become rebellious at some point. I imagine hard life was as a student that time and how hard it was for the administration to keep the University going, How better it is today and the reason why somehow, in the long run we lost track of the game.

Just because we are under the Administration’s supervision (through our technical adviser) doesn’t mean that we can’t write anything wrong we see or hear about them, we can but then we have to get the two sides of the story. we were tasked to build bridges and not burn them, these bridges linking the admin and the students, and that is the most challenging part of all. Trying to reach the students and letting them realize that sometimes the strict rules implemented by the admin is for their own good or tuition fee increase is inevitable as years pass by at the same time reaching out to the admin to hear the small voices of students, letting them know what they have to say about a certain issue on even just a strict implementation of  NO long haircuts.

Writing to fight for what is right and just is not only a Journalist’s responsibility, but being able deliver messages to people involved and at one point trigger a resolution, or if not at least make them aware. Figthing to write is a dilemma experienced by people like me who doesn’t seem to know who to pick out the words to create an article, others,who would want to write but not given the opportunity because they have betrayed their readers and broken their vow to deliver only the truth and not take sides.

Writing is a gift everyone can wish to have but not everyone would wish to pursue.

more than just a busy sched.

The first week of duty in the community, week of preparation for the first ish of TAC and unending reports in different subjects.

Our first three days in duty was fun! last week I was so nervous thinking that I might not wake up earlier that my usual routine, good thing there were people who woke me up. hehehe. We were assigned in GMA2 cavite, going there we have to take a 30 minute ride (an hour if there is traffic) and take southwoods exit. I got so excited knowing that we’ll pass through my school back in the secondary level. I miss the place more than before, the long paths going to our rooms, green pastures in the field, friendly and familiar faces and the feeling of being young again, to reminisce back to the days when life was not so hard unlike now, when the only thing that we live for is to see our friends and fall in love, that was before, when our innocent minds were protected by the high rise walls of Colegio San Agustin Binan.  ok enough of the emo stuff. We arrived in our destination and as we went down we were instructed to attend the usual flag ceremony that was held every monday morning (i think) and our presence was acknowledge by the mayor himself! not that’s how you welcome future nurses! heheheh… the next two days was even better because we helped in the community clinic, we took Vital signs, admitted new patiences from different barangays and watched a special cleaning procedure.

ON thai people

I also this week we also finished our report about Thailand in our Asian Civilization subject, I was assigned to report about the values of thailanders and surprisingly they have some attitudes which is similar to us Pinoys like “utang na loob” having high respect for one’s ego and being faithful to their faith. There is more to them than what their smiles look like, there are 13 different smiles of Thai people and just by merely seeing them is not enough to know one when they show it.

COTC

being considered as one of the best is a real pain in the head, of course its flattering to know that people acknowledge you as one but then they tend to expect too much and that makes us pressured more than what other blocks feel. news is spreading that our passing rate result was not that good, I don’t know if that is true but if it is then we’re dead, they’ll push us far more than our limits. that’s why my classmates came up with something fun and at the same time educating?? hehehhe… they made a rule that everyone should speak the universal language in preparation for our upcoming individual interview to pass second year second semester. they also listed some usual excuses that a student can use… don’t know how they came up with these excuses I just know and try to excuse myself when I can. hahahahaha.

EXCUSES:

1. blame the government (ex: scenario. when you’re late in class and you have to get an excuse slip from the dean’s office you can state your reason as, “late due to traffic in SLEX related to road construction”)

2. blame you parents (ex: scenario. when you don’t know the answer to a question and the teacher asks, you can say that “my parents are not intelligent therefore I am not intelligent” just like what Dr. House once said “blame your genes”)

6. stay silent, it means you are gathering your thoughts.  I think there is no need to give an example for this one. hehehehe.

3,4 and 5  is still under construction according to the people who made it. (lester and umi!) I don’t exactly agree with everything that stated in the three excuses but then again it won’t hurt to use one once in a while especially when you’re stuck in a situation. hahahahahahaha. I just laughed like crazy when I heard this excuses and the English Speaking Rule.

Student Manual Mod.

last year I was looking for my co-writers in chronicle when I was suddenly asked to join a group of students who will be photographed for the cover of the revised student manual, being the nearest and the only Nursing student they know that time I accepted their offer, not knowing it was true hahahah. I thought they’ll just take pictures and chose one from a dozen or so and that one pic will not include me hahahahahah. Last Wednesday I saw the print out I was not specially pretty in that picture but it was fine. my PE and SHE professor told our whole class that I was in the new student manual, what can I say… I was speechless, while my classmates tease me that I’ve changed and stuff like that heheheheheh.

MicroBio and Para class

we stained some microorganism coming from different dirty places after culturing it for a week.the process was simple but meticulous first we had to make sure that the glass slide was sterile and that there are no other M.O. that is growing there, next we have to get a sample from our cultured specimen and then try to kill it by burning it just above the alcohol lamp but a violet stain and let it dry then wash the excess stain and viola! specimen na! you can look at it under a electronic Microscope. you just have to bear with the scorching heat cause while doing those things above you have to wear a lab gown and gloves (so as not to contaminate and transfer M.O.) while the fan is off, YES you are not allowed to put ON the fan.

so that’s how my week went. fun at the same time hectic and lovely. I also had my first visit in Luneta Park with some of my block mates.

on the 14th day of december….

every friday my day usually starts at 1pm but today is another story. I had to wake up really early, like 6 in the morning just to pass a paper in microbiology that I failed to pass the other day. I went to skull at almost 8 in the morning to find my other blockmates in the same scenario, they failed to pass the Microbio exercise. we ended up in the library to study our notes after accomplishing our early morning task, and found our group increasing in numbers as the time passed. I ate lunch together with my other blockamates and then went to our meeting, only to find out I was too early to be in the meeting place. I went to OSA and found that my co-writer is sitting comfortly inside, in my curiosity I entered and right then and there I was chosen as the representative of our college in the pictorial for the student manual. talk about being lucky, I looked around and found myself surrounded by beautiful people and felt like I don’t belong. But something in me told me not to get out of the situation because I’ want to be in that place, in short, I got my picture taken with the other students from other colleges.

it may be my lucky day but the battle hasn’t really started yet… PRELIMS was still there to haunt me.

today is another brain-cell-cidal for me and my blockamates, we were suppose to have 3 consecutive exams, good thing one of the prof told us that she doesn’t have time to make one, so we had to make a short skit instead. I walked home because I unfortunately run out of money. thought it was nothing unusual for me because my school is not that far from the house, still I feel exhausted and drained. when I arrived home I found ate kitch (my brother’s fiance) and learned that she was there for a surpise for kuya’s advance birthday celebration. we went to RP and bought him a cake. when we arrived home he was not there although he already texted ate kitch that he just got home. all the while we thought that he was joking then we realized that his bag was in his room and he suddenly entered the house. I had to push him out of the house so that we can light the candles for the cake. ok, so to cut the story short, he blew the candles, ate dinner and I got stuck here in the computer.

Funny how everyday reality teaches you a lesson, the street shows you the right sign and path to take, your memory tries to remember them all, but then sometimes little brainy can’t comprehend. Songs make you feel something that can’t be said or done, because actions may diminish their meaning. The Eyes reveal a vital emotion coming fromthe heart that only that special someone can see…

scribbled thoughts

(listening to joshua radin’s “the fear you won’t fall”)

this is literally NEEEEERVE WRACKING! dunno what to feel anymore, you know the feeling that you’ve been preparing for one examination that is SO important and you know that you have enough knowledge but then you’re nervous because you think that things may not go as you think it will? geessh! don’t know what to do anymore, for a couple of weeks I’ve been tryin to review bit by bit, with the help of my tita one of my blockmate that lend me their reviewer.  I still have to finish my article but then I can’t because I’m still thinking of what will happen tomorrow in my Nursing Aptitude Test.

making this entry make me feel a bit less nervous, I just hope I wake up in the right time tomorrow.

WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-typical things-

 

have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone
is when they are right beside and yet you can never have them…

 

have you ever wondered which hurts the most
saying something and wishing you had or
saying nothing and wishing you hadn’t

 

I guess the most important thigns are the hardest things to say
they are the things that you get ashamed of because words diminish them
words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head
to no more than living size when they are brought out

 

don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them
if you do, they might break your heart
but if you don’t… you might break theirs

 

have you ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of losing
what you already had with that person?

 

you heart decides who it likes and who it doesn’t
you can’t tell you heart what to do.
it does it on it’s own, when you least suspect it
or even when you don’t want it.

 

have you ever wanted to l0ve someone with everything you had
but that other person was too afraid to let you?

 

too many of us stayed walled because we are too afraid to care too much
for fear that the other person, does not care as much… or at all

 

have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever?
or fell for your best friend in the entire world and then sat around and watched him fall for someone else?

 

have you ever denied your feelings for someone because
your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

 

we tell lies when we are afraid…
afraid of what we don’t know
afraid of what others will think
afraid of what will be found out about us
but every time we tell a lie
the thing we fear grow stronger…

 

life is all about risks and it requires you to jump
don’t be a person who has to look back
and wonder what they would have or could have had
NO OE WAITS FOREVER….

 

 

Polydipsia for L.O.V.E.

I just finished watching the anime series called “chobits “, I’ve heard it before from my high school friend who is so into anime stuff, it was just now that I started watching it and it was really good.

the story goes like this…

Hideki a farm boy goes to tokyo to attend cram school (somewhat like a review center where you have to take classes, in order to take another university exam) and on his stay, finds a thrown persocon (a robot that looks, acts and works like a human, except the emotions and feelings) and brings it home with him. soon he calls it chii, teach her stuff and slowly falls in love with her unknowingly.  Chii on the other hand, was a legendary persocon known as Chobits, with her memories erased by her past owner, she soon figures that deep inside she is looking for her “one and only”. As time went by many things happened that helped them learn more about their feelings for each other at the same time confused hideki and chi about their feelings. In the end the power of love sufficed but…. it would really be great if you can watch it rather than just reading it here. try to find the ending yourself. hahahah

As I was watching, I just noticed that somehow, I am on chii’s shoes when she was still trying to find his “one and only”, and by the time I find him, I will choose the path chii decides to take. As i observe chii’s innocence on certain emotions, it was funny the same time true, ironic as it may seem, people try to define the forsaken word called “love” so easy but they still can’t find it and still can’t be happy. words diminish the real meaning of LOVE that sometimes people take it for granted, but the only thing that I’m certain of is that “love is an enigma”.  The fear of losing someone you love is too painful that sometimes people decide not to fall in love.

lolilala dibedoptada deee!

today I sing the happiest song I made. yeay! the day the first semester of my second year in college ends. wheew!

yesterday…

our professor in health ethics more commonly known as our college dean announced one thing that will forver change our lives… “EXEMPTED NA KAMING LAHAT SA FINALS NIYA!” YAHOO!! how great can that be? dba?! I mean its not everyday that you get to be exmepted lalo na sa finals and sa isang professor that has a VERY high standard. hahah. after class, some of my class mates cried because of the new that spread earlier that week na super nagincrease na yung tuition. another reason was because some were afraid of being told that they didn’t pass the quota grade, so before they get kicked out of the course.. uunahan na nila… haay. I was also kind of scared though, not because I think I won’t make it but because I not scared of the thought that I might not make it. heheh.

3 days ago…

we (my block mates and I) were still struggling for the finals week, though we already had some of our exams in our minor subjects last week, still I find it difficult to store up everything I’ve studied before, like something in my mind tells me “you already know that so what’s the point of reading it again?”. I know, being lazy is one of the unfavorable sin I’ve had so far. another thing is I want to challenge myself and see how much knowledge I’ve gained since the first day of first semester of my second year.

geesh I’m not really in the mood to tell stories right now. I find it hard to gather and place my thought in order that some would understand. I feel like I’m getting worst every single day that I know I’m happy.

a long lost love affair

dunno what to say anymore… I guess I got used to being too gloomy and lonely that the only thing I can do is write my feelings… but now that I’m recovering from the pain…. damn I can’t think of anything to write anymore, like I lost my touch in writing. although I know that I’m really not that talented, I fear that I might disappoint my co-writers and the people expecting us to publish a better school newspaper. being a literary editor is one of the greatest blessing I have received, somehow, I remember wishing that I could be one. but like what they say… “be careful what you wish for” maybe I just like the thought of writing poems endlessly. expressing myself. the morbid things and the happy moments. a poem of eternal love for a man I can never have and letting go when he never really promised anything. ironic but now that I’m feeling ok I couldn’t find a reason to write. as time passed by, I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, of being so bitter, of being so numbed and damned.

” maybe the bitterness is ok to stay maybe it is all we have left aside from memories. maybe being bitter is the only way we can move on because without the bitterness we’d all just be martyrs silently haunted and secretly torn apart”

(quote sent by a friend)

I like the way I write about stuff. they just pop out of my mind out of nowhere. I like that I have more confidence in myself right now, but I hate the fact that I feel that it is too much that people are hating me. I don’t know how to fall in love again. I grew tired of waiting and loving the wrong people. I’m numbed of the reality that I am beautiful (in my own perception and to some :0) but then I couldn’t find someone that would fit into my standards. I feel cold inside that I don’t know if I can still smile without faking. I’m afraid to laugh too much because I fear that after those happy moments, there will be those hard to forget sad memories.unbearable.heart-breaking. and always almost clear that it was like yesterday. I’m afraid to get too attached to a person because if they leave me, I might not recover again. and even if I do, it would take another set of more years. to forget and learn. I guess the hardest part is the feeling you wanna be loved by someone but then you wouldn’t allow yourself to be loved and be lovable. you try to find ways to give people a reason to love you at the same time you give them reasons to hate you even more. the feeling that you wanna be needed but dislike the fact of being a mere need. the knowledge that I know that I am brave but I’m afraid to take risk and to show my true feelings. I didn’t know that feelings make you weak and they make you susceptible to the things you cannot imagine. fatal thought legal and the effect takes forever. crying doesn’t make any difference and my tears are running out. I lost the feeling of being hurt that whatever people tell me, I just ignore them like they’re part of an everyday routine. to forget is inevitable and to love is by choice. to forget is a process and today will be tomorrow.

ang paglipas ng panahon

malamig na ang simoy ng hangin, dumadampi sa aking mukha, maginhawa, nagbabadya na malapit na namang sumapit ang pasko , parang kelan lang, ang bilis talaga ng panahon hindi ko man lamang napansin… isang taon na pala ang nakakaraan….

ISANG TAON NA ANG NAKALIPAS mula nang huli kong tinignan ang mga bituin ng matagal, pinagtuunan ng pansin at sinilip sa isang teleskopyo. naalala ko pa noon namumugto ang aking mga mata, nagdurusa habang kumakanta ang aking pusong nangungulila, masakit, pero kelangan tanggapin. ang huling beses na narinig ko ang tinig ng dati kong buhay sa ilalim ng madilim at maulap na langit… waring nakikiramay sa nangyari.

ngunit nakalipas na ang lahat at hindi ko na nais maalala pa ang madilim na detalye. haaayyy. naku….

NGAYON ako’y magsisilbi na lamang sa KANYA, ngayong binigyan niya ako ng malaking tungkulin na alam kong hindi ko kakayanin kung wala siya.malapit na ang araw na yun pero bago pa man sumapit ang kanyang kaarawan ay nais namin siyang bigyan ng munting regalo… mula sa aming mga puso… puso ng mga kabataang naglilingkod at nabubuhay sa ngalan niya.

BUKAS ay panibagong araw sa piling niya, at panibagong araw kapiling ang mga blockmates ko… madaming assignments at maraming dapat gawin… kainis! kulang na lang lumuwa mata namin kababasa! buti na lamang at isa sa hilig ko ang pagbasa. hindi man ako napakatalino ngunit kahit papano, alam ko na nakakasunod naman ako at mataas ang performance ko (nice english!) hmmm… hindi ko na alam kung ano pang pede kong masabi.

mabuti na lamang at hindi ako nangungulila sa pagmamahal ng isang PANGET! HMP! hahahahah!

after the darkness comes the light

yeay! after four days of blackout in the philippines! I’m back! wahahahaaha and I’ve gain weight grrrr!! all I did was eat, drink water, read 5 chapters of my chemistry book, sleep and complain about the efficiency of our goverment! hahahahhahah…

first day:

I woke up around 7 in the morning, I already knew day before that, that classes are suspended because of the strong typhoon. But it never crossed my mind that it was that strong that it caused a major destruction not just in the village where I temporarily stay but also in the other parts of the country. As I was typing the power turned of and that was the last time in four days that we had electricity. The rain was not strong but the wind was, and that caused many tree in our village to break down. my cousin kin and me went around the village to see the other damages and we were kinda shocked of what we saw, like a big monster crushed the trees in a single swing of its hand. total darkness filled the place by the end of the day.

second day:

The morning was bright and cheerful, the birds in the sky were chirping happily. but the damage can still be seen from the ay before, and because of that we were tasked to clean up the mess hmp! almost two hours of cleaning in the garden with some ant treats (super laki pa nung nga langam! grrrr!!! at gigil na gigil pag nangagat!). After that I slept (hheheeh favorite past time) then woke up after 30 mins took a bath, ate and slept again hahahaahah!!!! again there was no power that night but my cousin and me managed to do something else rather than stare at each other … WE PLAYED MONOPOLY! after two hours of rolling the dice, buying properties and moving our “pamato” (hehehe) we grew tired and sleepy.

third day:

again the morning was beautiful and cheerful, we didnt have anything to that day AGAIN so we just read our books. and like the pass two days… all we did was sleep, eat, talk, and eat.

fourth day:

its been 3 days and we’re geting annoyed because of the situation the phone lines we’re also cut due to some I don’t know stuff… and whenever ours is fixed the lines of the people we want to call is cut… but alas later that day the power came back! wuhooo!!! rejoice! But I as I watched the news and saw the destruction the typhoon has made, I was some how ashamed of myself. I was stuck in in the house complaining bout being stuck and not doing anything but eat and read… while other people have no house to be stuck to, no food to eat, nothing to do not just for a day but for almost 2 years and some unfortunately have no family to come home to, no one to embrace and play monopoly with, no one to talk to… just themselves. Tragic but true… sometimes we don’t see how blessed we are than other people yet we still tend to complain about being in a situation very much fortunate for others.

Let’s just pray for the victims of the typhoon and I hope that the coming storm won’t have much destruction like the one that came. Be thankful that you’re alive and reading this post heheheh…. even if it’s not that good.

God bless everyone! solo dios basta!