a long lost love affair

dunno what to say anymore… I guess I got used to being too gloomy and lonely that the only thing I can do is write my feelings… but now that I’m recovering from the pain…. damn I can’t think of anything to write anymore, like I lost my touch in writing. although I know that I’m really not that talented, I fear that I might disappoint my co-writers and the people expecting us to publish a better school newspaper. being a literary editor is one of the greatest blessing I have received, somehow, I remember wishing that I could be one. but like what they say… “be careful what you wish for” maybe I just like the thought of writing poems endlessly. expressing myself. the morbid things and the happy moments. a poem of eternal love for a man I can never have and letting go when he never really promised anything. ironic but now that I’m feeling ok I couldn’t find a reason to write. as time passed by, I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, of being so bitter, of being so numbed and damned.

” maybe the bitterness is ok to stay maybe it is all we have left aside from memories. maybe being bitter is the only way we can move on because without the bitterness we’d all just be martyrs silently haunted and secretly torn apart”

(quote sent by a friend)

I like the way I write about stuff. they just pop out of my mind out of nowhere. I like that I have more confidence in myself right now, but I hate the fact that I feel that it is too much that people are hating me. I don’t know how to fall in love again. I grew tired of waiting and loving the wrong people. I’m numbed of the reality that I am beautiful (in my own perception and to some :0) but then I couldn’t find someone that would fit into my standards. I feel cold inside that I don’t know if I can still smile without faking. I’m afraid to laugh too much because I fear that after those happy moments, there will be those hard to forget sad memories.unbearable.heart-breaking. and always almost clear that it was like yesterday. I’m afraid to get too attached to a person because if they leave me, I might not recover again. and even if I do, it would take another set of more years. to forget and learn. I guess the hardest part is the feeling you wanna be loved by someone but then you wouldn’t allow yourself to be loved and be lovable. you try to find ways to give people a reason to love you at the same time you give them reasons to hate you even more. the feeling that you wanna be needed but dislike the fact of being a mere need. the knowledge that I know that I am brave but I’m afraid to take risk and to show my true feelings. I didn’t know that feelings make you weak and they make you susceptible to the things you cannot imagine. fatal thought legal and the effect takes forever. crying doesn’t make any difference and my tears are running out. I lost the feeling of being hurt that whatever people tell me, I just ignore them like they’re part of an everyday routine. to forget is inevitable and to love is by choice. to forget is a process and today will be tomorrow.

undecided

again I had a busy schedule this week as usual I followed my routine and made some extra time for research in the library. with so little time and so many things to do… I can’t decided which one should go first.

I was accepted as writer in the school news paper, geessh… I never really thought that I could go this far, coz for me, I’m not that good in writing but not that bad either. we were oriented last thursday and I had to skip one of my major subjects just to attend that meeting.

to cut the story short, I was informed that we are going to baguio for a four day seminar-workshop and I am excused in all my classes in all the days that I will be in the very cold place of green pines. but then I somehow felt a little scared and pressured because I will leave my group mates in English and in the case study. Damn we have to start presenting the case study next week, although we are group three the though that we will be presenting in front of the dean somehow gives me a lot of pressure and fear that we might satisfy her. ok so maybe I’m getting a little paranoid about some stuff. and the people around me. I still feel the coldness that they are somehow making me feel because the friends that I used to be with are ignoring me. gesh do you know the feeling that you know you are being rejected by the people you once called friend?

I guess one of the reason I don’t want to get stuck to a coupe of friends is coz I know that someday they will leave me and when that day comes… I’m going to be all alone again. That Is why I take courage to make new friends every time. because I’m afraid that if I get too attached to someone or somebody… they will have the capacity to hurt me. Time doesn’t heal all wounds they just cover it with the past but still the fact remains that you are still bleeding and still afraid to trust and love.

babbling

it seemed like forever since the last time I posted here. geesh… talk about having a busy schedule.

• there are so many things I wanna do, though I don’t have much time to do it. or maybe I just don’t give time for those things. confused.
• our dean just gave us the pattern for our case study and she said that we had to do it for a week. after that, we should start our presentation.
• failed to write a letter for one of my friends in highschool for their retreat letter.
• i think someone in our family is having her second childhood.
• want to sleep but can’t.
• it is 3 in the morning anf I’m still waiting for my sister to come.
• the last time I stayed up late was in highschool (the day of our christmas party)
• we’re having our midterms this week. I’m scared to fail. darn.
• we’ll be having a celebration for mmy mom’s birthday (hopefully) later.
• my professor said that our sub-conscious mind should be controlled or else, we might get crazy. (that was one thing that got stuck in my head)
• still haven’t done what my sister instructed me to do in their company website. simply because I don’t have enough knowledge about HTML unlike my brother who I envy for being a computer genius.
• I just noticed that the sky is gray during this time.
• I miss my high school friends sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. and I hate it when that happens
• I miss serving in the YFC community. I miss my friends. and the people. I miss the feeling of being loved and so much blessed.
• I still have to finish my research in english but then I got bored and did this post.
• there are so many things I wanna say but then its all cluttered and messed up to be written in here.
• I’m hungry.
• I still have feelings for the guy during senior prom night. dunno why. don’t give a damn.
• my friend’s birthday is coming up, and I still don’t know what to give him as a present.
• I don’t even know if I would  still go to his birth day celebration.
• nowadays… no one in our class likes me. you know the feeling that everybody around you is just using you and when you turn your back they have this big and long knives waiting to stab you?
• I’m chatting with my brother’s friend (who is like a brother to me) oceans away from me.
• If only i’d be given a chance to blurt out my feelings for that someone, I wouldn’t. he is so near yet so much far. farther than I can imagine.