wAking up in the wrong side of THE Bed

funny how a single moment can make your day go from good to worst…

another day in school and another boring class, I really don’t know why I can’t listen to her earnestly, so I just managed to scribble some words in a yellow pad and here is what my creative mind fabricated…

scream and shout tillyour voice breaks

 as anger eats your being and hate conquers your heart

practice the Art of strength and grudge

corrupt one’s soul that vows to tear the world apart

create war and indwelling pride

strip of love and happiness

it will only chain you from uncertainty

tie yourself up with the world’s madness and vague greed

spread the wings of demons

learn to mock every being with cruelty and disgust

top it off with the face of a mad man

help yourself

end every person that you hate and made you suffer

that will surely make you better…

revenge those who broke your heart and bury him alive with their life

step on their face till they can’t breathe

fry their stoned heart till it turns to dust

pull out each hair that they have

until blood runs down their body like the nile river

 Do this and you will live in silence for a day

afterwards

DIE for Eternity

 

 

after class I managed to eat lunch, talk a little with my friends and then slept. I woke up with the noise of my blockmates coming inside to start our vincentian studies, we watched 2 “dokyu” from I-witness that featured lives of “Basureros”. As I was watching, I got amazed to see  how far people will go just to be able to eat, they collect left-over foods from garbage bags, they even took some soiled ones and re-cook it for dinner, the call it “batchoy”. The other documentary was about tuna fishermen, who take the risk in the ferocious waves of the pacific ocean.

Most of the scenes somehow made me realize I should be content with what I have and that some people would actually give anything just to be in my shoes. Ironic, earlier this day I was furious (about something I don’t wanna elaborate) and the next thing I know I’m thankful for being where I am and what I have. Just when I was losing hope of accomplishing my responsibilities, something in me was triggered and told me not to give up. to have Faith. to be strong.

 

when boredom gets into your nerves

there really nothing much that I would want to say, but I just can’t help myself from thinking, maybe this is the side effect of not having someone to share your feelings with.

D.M. has a heart problem and I can’t really talk to him without having to confide him and his feelings with his “someone”, guess this time he’s the one who needs my advice. hahah. so I guess I’ll have write my feelings out or rather “type” them out.

it’s funny that sometimes when you look in the mirror you may think that there is nothing ne, like nothing has changes. But when you look back in the past, you realize that there a big difference between the world your living in than the world you had back then.

This past few days, I was thinking that something has changed in me. I now belong to a block, that clinical professors expect too much, like you’re not allowed to commit mistakes and expected to know almost everything in life, which for me is unfair for them to do (it literally feels like torture). everyday we have to read and read, take some rest and then read again, although I have nothing against reading (becoz I love doing it), still it is a pain in the deck. I remembered last week, I read one chapter in my book, more than 24 pages with 9 as font size and it was discussed to us for only two meetings, talk about having to read a lot of stuff. But I must agree that reading this things has done good things for me, I’m doing pretty well in class and I am infected by my classmates whenever they open their books or notes, like it was a signal for us saying “ok, let’s stop talking and start studying” helpful and rewardin I must say.

Today, I only reviewed a couple of pages in health care RLE and got lazt afterwards. I actually finished my two articles, but I still have to pass them on monday and wait for the decision of the jury, hahahah, also known as the adviser and chief editor. Working for a School paper is fun, you get to meet new people, you get to places you’ve never been before, you get to do what you love (which is writing) and you get to express yourself better. I know, it’s hard for me to let almost everybody read about my writen works, i’m a “rejecto-maniac”, coulnd’t take any rejection, not from anyone and clearly not just from anybody. whew. now there’s the catch, I wanna challenge myself, up to my limits cause I believe that pushing yourself to the limits is the best way to get yourself better and to be a better someone. I’m scared right, but I just can’t hide from my fears forever. It’s easy to say but harder to feel this way, cause I know I have to take that road again, that road of uncertainty. The last time I took that path, I almost lost it, couldn’t stand up alone and it had a side effect on me, I became a misandrist. that’s why when I meet a guy who is really nice, not nice bf potential but nice guy-friend, I want myself to beleibe that they are gays even if they’re not. Sometimes I daydream and imagine that I’m in front of that man and start punching him endlessly and it would feel great but when I get back to reality, I get amused by how I am not losing hope that we would be abck together, weird huh?!

how can you hate someone you once loved? how can you not want someone who made ou feel secured and special before? how can you forget someone who has been part of your worst and best memories? how can you just leave something behind? how do you actually move on with life? is there such as a thing? how can some people take the risk of trusting without assurance that the one they chose is their destiny? how can they take all the memories of different people they loved. do people still believe in destiny or they just think that the word is for kids, for children who read fairy tales books which always ends in the sentence “and the lived happily ever after”. I wonder, how the heart can bear all the pain, without literally bleeding, for eveyone might agree, the most hurting pain one may feel is a heart-break. If there is someone who can create a cure for all heart problems, he is a genius, but the same time a fool.

“I wish could go back to the time when the only men in my life is my dad and brother, my bestfriends is my sister and mom and crying from any pain can be stopped with an ice cream”.

babbling and doing nonsense things is a theraphy, you should try doing something random every once in a while…

A not-so-Ordinary Boring day

another thursday… another sleepy day.

woke up at around 7 in the morning only to find out we have class (darn, I wished that the storm would hit town, so CHED would suspend classes). it was still raining when I got up from bed, and I realized I still hadn’t packed my things for school last night (which I usually do) coz I got too tied with the computer. anyway. after an hour of lackadaisicalness routine, went to school and mingled with my classmates.

camille: kitkat

(kitkat:suplada sa taong hindi kilala)

camille: kamimi! ui!

kitkat: ay hello! goodmorning camille!

camille: kamimi suplada ka ha!…. (kamimi your such a snob!)

(why she calls me kamimi is a long story, it started from my brother’s gf. no further cues)

we had to pass a building before going to our destination, while we were walking did my shtick, teasing her. though it was usual for her to hear me teasing her and making silly and corny jokes, I still find happiness knowing I can make someone laugh. (sigh, wish I had someone to make me laugh). On our to our destination, we saw a familiar face that somehow made my life unpleasant last semester, “the arrogant-feeling-handsome guy” named ***** ( I don’t say bad words). I said Hi to him (although fake) and afterwards I said to camille…

kitkat: wag mo ko aasarin sa kanya! baka magsimula ka na naman…

camille: yes kamimi… (with a witchy laugh) sabi mo eh!

after that we had our P.E. class and had a practice ball with my blockmates ( my hands and arms got red spots by the time we finished).

12:00 pm lunch time

ate lunch in the CS canteen with graciel, curl, kate and his boyfriend. while eating we had a discussion.

curl: kitkat? nagka-bf ka na?

kitkat: yup. bakit?

curl: nakailan ka na?

kitkat: 4?

kate: meron ka ngayon?

kitkat: wala.

after eating…

kitkat: ikaw graciel? kamusta na kayo ni zarm? yihee…

graciel: wala naman yun. crush ko lang siya.

kitkat: ok. punta na tayo sa classroom?

12:30pm

we went up to the fourth floor and after an hour of waiting for our professor, we were told that our Microbiology and Parasitology prof is absent, then they told us to get out of the room since we don’t have anything to do there. (I wanted to punch them and say that I hate them for letting us get up there and do nothing but wait. wala lang just for a change sana)

at the end we couldn’t say anything so we went to the library. it was ironic though, before we went there we planned on studying for the class later that day, but when we got there laziness just hit us like a dancing jellybean, we couldn’t study properly. so we decided to leave and not fool ourselves, besides the afact that we were having a hard time to talk to each other cause we were afraid the librarian might scold at us.

at the JP Canteen 2pm

boring day! don’t ask me how, I slept in the canteen for like half an hour (they say I have this ability to sleep anywhere I like and anytime I want) then we went to our classroom in SHE (strategies in Health Education). For those who are not aware, I am a nursing student and currently struggling in the secondary level. while we were waiting for our professor, I was trying hard to pick something from my notes (for a quiz) then camille again, approached me and spoke to me in english

camille: hi kamimi! how are you? (hi kamimi! kamusta ka na?)

kitkat: I’m fine how bout you? (ok lang ako, ikaw kamusta ka naman?

camille: I’m fine too,

(in a pompous manner)

camille:can I ask you how much is your allowance today?

kitkat: uhmm… I only have 5 million right now. why do you ask? (5 million lang pera ko, bakit mo natanong?)

camille: oh my gosh! so poor! only millions? I have billions in my bag! I only have 5 billion in my bag though. (anu ba yan! mahirap! millions lang? ako meron akong billions sa bag ko, 5 billion nga lang ngayon)

kitkat: ok, ano ba talagang nangyayari sayo? bigla ka na lang naging ganyan

camille: wala lang ginulo lang kita, wala kasi akong magawa. alam mo ba minsan nasa SM kami tapos mag yayabangan kami ng ganyan ni beracis (another friend of ours), tapos yung mga tao sa paligid namin ang sama ng tingin.

kitkat: hahahh… uu nga alam ko yung ganyang usapan. kami rin kasi ng ate ko nagbibiruan ng ganyan eh. mas matindi sakin yun!

camille: talaga kamimi? hahahah cge wait lang alis muna ako, punta ako sa chair ko.

I went back to my reviewing realm and once in a while I would glance to my blockmates and observe them. It was kinda fun watching them, like my highschool friends, they make you feel like there’s no tomorrow when they laugh. (geesh I miss my HS friends so much!).

SHE class

quiz then we presented our skits that we prepared, with the theme “our ideal teacher” we were the 2nd performers and I portrayed our Phil Literature Prof. (who somehow, looks like GMA, only a little taller) the whole class laughed like crazy, my actions was also unpredicatble when I went in front and I just did what I do best, “to act and put a mask on my real face”.

went home at around 6pm, toxic day. I got tired not because of classes but because we waited too long! arrrggghhh!!!

the good thing about this day is, I accomplshed half of my article while waiting in the library. and I still have to edit it so I can pass it on monday. work! work! work!

-typical things-

 

have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone
is when they are right beside and yet you can never have them…

 

have you ever wondered which hurts the most
saying something and wishing you had or
saying nothing and wishing you hadn’t

 

I guess the most important thigns are the hardest things to say
they are the things that you get ashamed of because words diminish them
words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head
to no more than living size when they are brought out

 

don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them
if you do, they might break your heart
but if you don’t… you might break theirs

 

have you ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of losing
what you already had with that person?

 

you heart decides who it likes and who it doesn’t
you can’t tell you heart what to do.
it does it on it’s own, when you least suspect it
or even when you don’t want it.

 

have you ever wanted to l0ve someone with everything you had
but that other person was too afraid to let you?

 

too many of us stayed walled because we are too afraid to care too much
for fear that the other person, does not care as much… or at all

 

have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever?
or fell for your best friend in the entire world and then sat around and watched him fall for someone else?

 

have you ever denied your feelings for someone because
your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

 

we tell lies when we are afraid…
afraid of what we don’t know
afraid of what others will think
afraid of what will be found out about us
but every time we tell a lie
the thing we fear grow stronger…

 

life is all about risks and it requires you to jump
don’t be a person who has to look back
and wonder what they would have or could have had
NO OE WAITS FOREVER….

 

 

Vainglory of the Empress

Another day has passed

I walk alone the stygian path

happy face and delighted thoughts

conquer my myriad remorse

 

I made a change today

A new Hope to Live

my demurs now certain

My feelings that were left unspoken

 

When all is said and done

When I find gist in Life

I will accept my destiny

and find bliss

in the arms of My Inamorato

the start of a new ending

the second semester already started a week ago and it went well… for now i think.

FIRST WEEK

1st day of classes…

I was aware that I will be joined inthe first section, meaning I’m gonna be with those people that are “brainy” and naturally intelligent, the ironic thing about it is, in some moments of my 1st semester I knew I didn’t do my best, not to brag but… that is the truth. and I feel that I don’t deserve to be in BLOCK 201.

2nd day

I felt a bit awkward being with people I barely know, and I started to miss my blockmates last semester. went to the meeting for chronicle and got new assignments which include 1 essay, 2 poems, 2 photo essay and a short story, aside from the article that I had to do which is a feature about PBB (when I heard that I was going to thake care of that topic something inside made me squirm and say “sakto sayo!”).

3rd day

still feeling pressured, I thought I didn’t have any subjects on wednesday mornings. in laziness I decided not to attend my afternnon classes, since It was just the first week and I figured some professors aren’t going to attend. I buried my hands in the computer and keyboard, surfed the net ate and slept. A certified one day BUM.

4th day

I asked my old classmates about assignments that where given a day before and found out that we have classes every morning and that the professor gave a quiz and unfortunately I don’t have one.

nothing much happened. boring day.

5th daY FRIDAY.

while everyone else was settled to me our proffessor I still felt uneasy to be myself and make new friends. I love our professor in Philippine Literature with Introduction to Literature, cause she helped me to be more motivated in learning Literature in a deeped and wider view. She told us what literaries we would be reading and one of those is “dead star” which is considered the longest short story in philippine literature history.

2nd week

so it hasn’t ended yet, coz it’s just thrusday. but lots of things happened to mealready.

I met new friends and surprisingly, I find them interesting and sensible. earlier today, I walked home with two of them after having an hour of laughter and korny jokes that made me feel better, not to mention comfortable with them. I just realized,  I remember my high school guy firneds in them, my guy friends back in high school would always be like my “caring kuyas'” and would make sure that their girl-friends would be alright. they are not the type that takes advantage of the closeness that you have, unlike most of the guys in college.

I’m trying to survive second smester and hopefully do well in my NAT exam and interview to be promoted for third year and then fourth year and then graduation and then BOARD EXAMINATIONS! wuhoo! only two years of hardwork and I’m gonna be working and helping people. now I know why they say life is hort and time flies too fast, because most people do so many things in college that they forget to take note of days, nights and moments that they miss because they worry too much about their future. I’m not saying that Its bad, all I’m trying to say is, people have to take a break once in a while, relax, chill and be thankful that they are still alive. some people would give anything just to have their loved ones back and the sad reality is, no one has the ability to play life backwards.

winged unknown tomorrow

 

 

 

A stroke of heavenly breeze, brushing through my face

I sleep in a bed of roses to take voyage in the elysian chimera

I see my world of emptiness, knowing you have left me…

alone and wondering

I hold on to your words on wanting to know me more,

up to now I’m still waiting

I love the way you smile, it makes my soul rejoice

the way you look into my eye, it opens the window into my heart

your warm and mysterious voice soothes my body

and melts the coldness of my heart

How will I ever forget you

as I try to remember your face it’s now all just a blur

but still your stuck here somewhere in me

I can’t argue with the unknown

the silence that swept my being

 

Biyernes

Nabalutan ng Ulap ang gabing dapat sana’y pagkakataon para masilip ang mga bituin sa kalangitan, nagsimulang pumatak ang ulan na tila nakikidalamhati sa pagluha ng puso ng isang nagmamahal. Habang patuloy ang pagagos ng tubig sa mga mata ng isang dalaga muli niyang binalikan ang mga matatamis na alaala na ngayon ay hindi na madaragdagan pa.

 

Huling araw ng lingo na may pasok, biyernes, Lulan ng isang tricycle pauwi sina kate at ang manliligaw nitong si Mario, galing sila sa paaralang parehong pinapasukan. Alas 9 na ng gabi noon, galinggaling pa sila sa panonood ng costume competition ng isang patimpalak na ginanap sa paaralan. Mahigit isang buwan na ring nanliligaw ang masugid na si Mario kung kaya’t naisip ni kate na desisyonan na ang kapalaran ng lalaki.

 

Masayang nagsalaysay ang lalaki ng nangyari nang araw ding iyon na kinasanayan na niya para lamang may masabi sa dalaga. Sa bawat pagsambit nito ay gumuhit ang ngiti sa labi sa iniirog na lalo namang nagpatindi sa pagsinta ni Mario. Naputol ang kanilang tawanan ng sandaling katahimikan matapos sabihin ng dalaga ang mga katagang

 

 “gusto ko na sanang itigil mo ang iyong panliligaw”.

 

 Parang gumuho ang mundo ni Mario ang kanyang mga mata ay nagbabantang lumuha. Nabalot ng katanungan ang kanyang isipan

 

Bakit? Malungkot na tanong ni Mario

 

Nais ko nang itigil mo dahil, sinasagot na kita nakangiting sagot ng dalaga

 

Waring nanalo sa lotto ang gulat na mukha ni ng binata, walang imik, parang piping hindi mawari ang kasiyahang nadarama.

 

Nagdaan ang mga araw at patuloy ang pagusbong ng pagmamahalan ng dalawa, sabay sa paguwi, sa pagpunta sa mga kasiyahan sa eskwela at kung minsan pa’y sabay sa pagkain. Ang mga araw ay naging maigsi sa pagkasabik, ang bawat oras ay naging mabilis, katulad ng pagihip ng hangin hindi nagtagal nagdiwang sila ng kanilang unang anibersaryo. Namasyal sila, kumain sa labas at nagsimba upang humingi ng patnubay ng maykapal.

 

Makalipas ang isang taon, fourth year na sila, malapit na ang kanilang “graduation”. Naging abala sila sa kanilang pagaaral at hindi nagtagal nawalan sial nang oras sa isa’t isa. Nang minsang nagpasama si kate kay Mario

 

Maari mo ba akong samahan, baka gabihin kasi ako sa library at wala akong kasabay pauwi. Marahan na tanong ni kate.

 

Napailing si Mario at sinabing, “hindi pwede ngayon dahil may projecy din kaming gagawin”. Hindi na umapila pa ang dlaga at malungkot na nagpaalam kay Mario. Unti-unti nang naramdaman ni kate ang panalamig ni Mario sa kanya kung kaya binigyan niya ito nang oras upang pagisipan ang kanilang relasyon.

 

Tatlong araw na lamang bago sumapit ang kanilang ikalawang anibersaryo, at nang araw na iyon, biyernes, star gazing nila. Ilang lingo na rin silang hindi naguusap, walang kahit anong balita sa bawat isa.

 

Nabalot ang gabi ng kasiyahan at aliw habang nasa ilalim ng maitim na kalangitan ang mga ka-batch nila kate at Mario. Habang pinagmamasadan nila ang mga bituin at walang humpay na nagkakantahannagpasyang magusap muli si kate at Mario. 1 ng umaga bago pa man sumilip ang araw, nagtungo sila sa isang lugar kung saan maari silang mapagisa. Binitbit ni Mario ang kanyang gitara at hiniling nito sa kasintahan na sabayan ng kanyang pagawit ang gitara. Umawit ang dalaga ng buong puso, tila isang pagawit nah along kasiyahan at pangungulila, malambing at malugnkot ang kanyang himig. Sa huling kanta, inawitan ni Mario ang babaeng kanyang minamahal. habang nakatinggin sa kanyang mga mata tumigil ang buong paligid maging ang mga kamay ni Mario ay huminto sa pagutugtog.

 

“Gusto mo pa bang ituloy? Mahal mo pa ba ako?” Tanong ni Mario.

 

“Oo naman, syempre gusto ko pa dahil maha kita” Walang pagaalinlangan na sagot ni kate.

 

“ako kasi ayoko na muna” malungkot na sagot ni gumuho ang pagasa ni kate tila isang masamang panaginip na nagkaroon ng katuparan. Nakaramdam siya ng paninikip ng dibdib at hindi mawaring sakit na kumurot sa kanyang puso. Wala ang lalaking kanyang minamahal, wala na si Mario. Walang ibang nagawa si kate kundi ang tignan sa huling pagkakataon ang kanyang buhay.

 

“kung gayon, paalam na… nirerespeto ko ang iyon desisyon” palayong tumakbo si kate, habang umaagos ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. Para sa kanya, wala na siyang lakas upang itanong kung anong dahilan.

 

 

Nabalutan ng ulap ang kalangitan, nagsimulang pumatak ang ulan, tila nakikidalamhati sa pagkamatay ng puso ni kate, habang inaalala ang masasayang nakaraan na pinagsamahan nila ni Mario. Tumutulo ang luha ni kay, mahapding dumadaloy sa kanyang mga pisngi.

 

Ang dating mga sulyap na puno ng saya at pagibig, ngayo’y napalitan ng mga katanugan at hingapis.